Snails Go Home!
It’s wet up North.
It’s the first of flipping July and it’s like that John Carpenter film, “The Fog”. Why? Because it’s all foggy, silly!
Anyway mist and fog are primo snail hunting conditions. Yes, you thought I was just making it up about the Let’s Find Out if We Have Homing Snails Experiment. All mouth and no trousers, you thought. (Note to new readers, you may have to click the link to understand, I’m too lazy to summarise).
Not at all, I have yellow (non-toxic, animal rights activist) paint and brush (not made from badger hair, animal rights activists) and I’m ready to number the snails and relocate. I tell you, it’s not as straightforward as it might seem, painting numbers on snails. As Julia Robert’s character, Vivien, in “Pretty Woman” so rightly said, they are, “Slippery little suckers!”
Meet Linford and Zola
Anyway, I’ve numbered and rehomed about 40 of them. To be honest, not all shells were big enough for numbers and I just put a yellow splodge. I also managed to do this before Male Neighbour I’m Not That Keen On came out and questioned my sanity.
So now…we sit and wait.
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Talking of Mist and Fog…a wee true story for you told to me by my sister-in-law about a friend of hers (it’s always a friend of a friend, isn’t it?). Let’s call the friend Angie. (Shhh! I suspect it was my sister in law…)
Angie is driving home from work along a country road. It is still light but the weather is quite bad. All of sudden she sees a cop car behind her. The cop car switches on the blue lights.
“What the blazes?” she thinks, and pulls over.
An older policeman comes up to the driver’s window and she winds it down to see what he wants.
He utters no greeting. He simply says, “What do we do when Mister Fog appears?”
“Patronising Bastard. Do I look like a 4 year old? I’m not having this” she thinks.
So she looks him straight in the eye and says, very sarcastically, “Well Officer, I’d put Mister Headlights on…”
The policeman looks at her, not quite understanding. Then he looks a little bit annoyed.
“Madam, let me re-phrase that. What should you do when Fog or Mist appears?”
She didn’t need to put her headlights on after that, as her burning cheeks lit the way home.
