A Gobful of Oscar
of spit with the director of There Will be Blood
I have hit on the formula for an Oscar winning performance.
It is spit.
The more the saliva comes spurting forth from an actor’s mouth, the more likely he or she is to bag that nekkid little gold doorstopper.
Or better, a spit, snot sweat and tear combo. Get them all going and the award’s as good as won.
The latest case for this is Daniel Day Lewis in “There will be blood”. He is awash with the stuff and it is brilliant. Great fountains of sputum fly into the atmosphere in his many scenery eating moments. Some of it even hangs from his moustache and slowly waves back and forth as he rants. Beautiful.
And that, my friends, is why he is going to win that Oscar, mark my words. Just saw “There will be Blood” last night and my Spider-sense is tingling.
Still, I’m not one to make false and unsubstantiated claims. So, to further back up my point I am going to back up the saliva theory with some actual historical and statistical evidence.
Take the case of Justin Henry. He was the youngest ever Oscar nominee for Kramer Vs Kramer.
He cries a lot in the film, particularly when he falls off that climbing frame making Dustin Hoffman realise how much he loves the little tyke, even though he’s been cramping his style somewhat with the ladies since Mum left.
Justin’s all about the blood, tears, snot and spit in that scene. He checks all the bodily emission boxes. He didn’t win the gong though, but he might have if he had actually shat himself. There’s probably not a day goes past when he ruminates on that.
One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest; plenty of spit in that. Dribbling post lobotomy spit; best you can get. Nicholson walks away with gong and the reassurance that he need never try hard ever again.
Anthony Hopkins wins Best actor Award for only 17 minutes of screen time in “The Silence of the Lambs”. Reason? That sucky spitty saliva thing he does through his teeth at the mention of fava beans and a nice Chianti. Statuette in the bag. Inventive use of the sputum duly rewarded.
Dustin tries to pick a bogie off Meryl’s cheek after a heavy scene
Meryl Streep is the most nominated actress in the history of the Academy Awards, even for crappy films that’s she’s in (Devil Wears Prada? You’re kidding me!).
The simple reason is that Streep is the Headmistress of the School of Mucus. She can cry buckets of tears at will, but also has the acting chops to emit snot from her nose (where else?) as she does so. Even when speaking in a foreign accent!
Again, see Kramer Vs Kramer for evidence of the tears/snot/spit combo. Quite incredible.
Dribbling To Evoke Learning Difficulties/Disability/Madness Category
We couldn’t let this study* end without mentioning the classic Dribbling To Evoke Learning difficulties/Disability/Madness Category where sputum is a must.
John Mills in Ryan’s Daughter, anyone? The man is positively gliding along like a slug on a river of his own saliva!
And then there’s Daniel Day Lewis picking up his first ever Oscar for “My Left Foot”. Apparently he was so parched at the end of each scene from loss of saliva they had to stick a drip in him! (It had to be a 1950s style drip, you know, to keep in with the character and mood of the film. He’s a method actor donchaknow?)
“But what about little old Tommy Cruise?” I hear you cry, “He’s dribbled a plenty and he’s got nothing!”
Yes it’s true, Tom’s chances of the elusive mooning bling figurine looked certain when he scored the double whammy of playing a wheelchair bound and angry, spitting war veteran in “Born on the Fourth of July”. Hell, there’s even a scene where he poops himself! So why did he not get the Oscar?
Simple: because he’s rubbish.
* Surely a doctorate winning paper on this theory is only a few thousand words away…
