Leading Men
Insert caption about Ben Fogel attracting dogs here
Apparently in London there is a company which has been set up to allow the good dogless citizens of the UK capital access to a dog by the hour. This dog rental system, Flexpetz, is apparently doing rather well and is set to be rolled out nationwide in the near future.
The idea of setting up a business hiring a range of dogs out to petless city dwellers in need of some doggy affection for an hour or two is one I’d like to see the Business Plan for, if not the reaction on the bank manager’s face when the proposal was put forward. How can this bizarre idea be a success?
Yet,the more I think about it, I can kind of see the reasoning behind it.
Surely this idea must be borne out of the various research that leads blokes to think that they might meet women in parks if they have an adorable dog attached to them. Perhaps they have tried hanging around in parks without a dog and have been upset at the results, as being dogless in a London park will result in one of the following:
- Tory MPs, Kevin Spacey or George Michael inviting you to their country cottages.
- Women slapping your face as you misguidedly act like Benny Hill.
- Men with matted hair, Scottish accents and choice breath wanting to be your “besshhht mate”.
Get yourself a cute dog and you can’t fail but to make congress with other dog owners. Get a puppy and you can just stand still as the ladies flock to you in vast numbers. It’s simple. All you need are some poop bags, a winsome smile and business cards printed with your mobile number on and you are set.
Other reasons for renting a dog for an hour is to remind yourself what a pain in the arse dogs are. It strikes me that people may rent their spouse or their child a dog for an hour if they show any signs of wanting one full time, on a permanent basis. I am, of course, offering my own dog up for this purpose. One hour with Sonny, the Black Menace, is the equivalent of the old draconian method fathers used to use to put their sons off smoking. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, it involves sitting your boy down and making him smoke a packet of twenty in one go. Sonny is the equivalent of a pack of Capstan Full Strength in that regard. You’ll be settling for a goldfish in no time.
In a similar vein, broody girlfriends and wives unsure of their partner’s parenting potential may rent a dog for the hour to test their man’s skills in looking after an animate object. And since you can’t rent kids by the hour as that’s a bit flippin’ dodgy, and generally frowned upon, dogs are the next best thing. If the man comes back with the dog alive…. Scratch that…if the man comes back with the dog at all after an hour, you’ve got a good basis for starting a family. If the dog has been left outside a pub and it takes your man until bedtime to remember about it, you either need to go without babies or get a new prospective father.
Meanwhile, in these troubled times, where gangs of hoodies roam the streets, certain types of dogs may be available to help you make the walk home safely and without incident. If the dog rental system hasn’t cottoned onto this, then they are surely missing a trick. Walking down Dalston high street with a snarling Rottweiler called Genghis, may mean that you need not fear for your life.
However, some inner city ghettos may prove tough even for the snarliest of hired-gun canines. Might I suggest the development of the Wild Boar Unit or a Tiger Division; a division for which my gorgeous husband surely is the poster boy.
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Raaaaarrrrr!
It’s the last day in Kanchanaburi and we are on the trip which really led us to this part of the world in the first place.
Last year my pal Jonny came back from Thailand with hundreds of photos of him sitting with a tiger lolling about his lap. Within a day of seeing these photos I had scheduled a trip to The Tiger Monastery on our Thailand itinerary. The deal is here at the Tiger Sanctuary is that these are tigers that have been rescued. They’ve maybe been rescued from illegal poachers,found injured or are cubs found abandoned after a mother has been killed. They are looked after by a group of Buddhist monks and rangers. Most have been reared from cubs in the sanctuary to adulthood.
Any tiger cubs born in the sanctuary are not allowed contact with the visitors as they are released back into the wild as soon as they are able to fend for themselves. At the moment there are only thought to be about 250 tigers in Thailand. Apparently a lot of the poaching (read, “killing”) is for the Chinese medicine market, where a tiger’s penis can fetch thousands of dollars as it is believed to have virility enhancing powers, if you know what I mean. Get some bloody Viagra over to Beijing quick!
My boy and a real tiger…..
Oh my God, someone’s put my girl onto a real tiger’s belly…..
You don’t really need anything more do you?
Look at my boy rolling about with a fully grown tiger! Look at my girl sitting on a tiger’s belly! The chief monk made a bee-line for her, and took her straight over to meet the tigers. Mum and Dad had to wait in line with all the other Muggles. Mum and Dad look on, terrified. Eve’s thoughts on the matter?
“The tiger was itchy.”By comparison, look at John and I tentatively touching a tiger…..
I really wanted to touch its head but they wouldn’t let me. Something to do with the big teeth, I think.
In reality you only got about two seconds with any of the tigers. The monks or rangers chaperone you and are understandably nervous as hell. You only get enough time to pose with the tiger as your photo is taken. Of course, you also have to sign a document on the way in that more or less says, “Tigers may eat you, don’t hold us responsible. You went in of your own free will.”
No matter how tame these beasts seem to be, you’d best never forget that tigers are wild animals. They have a tendency to take your face off.
The tigers are kept in large cages and are trotted out once a day for about an hour to see the visitors, and you can get a chance to lead the tamest one (seen below) back to her pen.
This is the first tiger reared from cub to adulthood in the Monastery
I was slightly disappointed you didn’t get more time with the beasts but there were about fifty people there. It was great just to watch them, though. I’ve got more photos of the tigers than my own kids.
But look at this…this is one of the monks being asked for some cat food (a cooked chicken) by doing the same thing our cat Harleyboy does when he’s hungry…by being a big sook. This enormous beast rubbed its face up against the monk’s like a big moggy. This photo kind of captures it.
Later on we share our pickup truck back to Kanchanaburi with a London backpacking couple of physiotherapists called Laura and Dan and a German couple called Melanie and Robert. They are all staying at the Apple Guest house where we had planned to eat for our last night.
The Apple runs a Thai cooking school and food is supposed to be great. So that night we head down and meet up with our fellow tiger fanciers. We have a great night and I even speak a smidge of German again. Little point other than some practice for me, as Melanie’s English is as good as mine, but the two of them seem to like the fact that I give it a go.
So goodbye Kanchanaburi . Quite possibly the best two days of the trip so far.
Tomorrow we’re off back to Bangkok and one night of extreme luxury in the Davis Hotel before heading home….Oh and it just happens to be “Songkran”, Thailand’s New Year.
Raaaaarrrrr!
It’s the last day in Kanchanaburi and we are on the trip which really led us to this part of the world in the first place.
Last year my pal Jonny came back from Thailand with hundreds of photos of him sitting with a tiger lolling about his lap. Within a day of seeing these photos I had scheduled a trip to The Tiger Monastery on our Thailand itinerary. The deal is here at the Tiger Sanctuary is that these are tigers that have been rescued. They’ve maybe been rescued from illegal poachers,found injured or are cubs found abandoned after a mother has been killed. They are looked after by a group of Buddhist monks and rangers. Most have been reared from cubs in the sanctuary to adulthood.
Any tiger cubs born in the sanctuary are not allowed contact with the visitors as they are released back into the wild as soon as they are able to fend for themselves. At the moment there are only thought to be about 250 tigers in Thailand. Apparently a lot of the poaching (read, “killing”) is for the Chinese medicine market, where a tiger’s penis can fetch thousands of dollars as it is believed to have virility enhancing powers, if you know what I mean. Get some bloody Viagra over to Beijing quick!
My boy and a real tiger…..
Oh my God, someone’s put my girl onto a real tiger’s belly…..
You don’t really need anything more do you?
Look at my boy rolling about with a fully grown tiger! Look at my girl sitting on a tiger’s belly! The chief monk made a bee-line for her, and took her straight over to meet the tigers. Mum and Dad had to wait in line with all the other Muggles. Mum and Dad look on, terrified. Eve’s thoughts on the matter?
“The tiger was itchy.”By comparison, look at John and I tentatively touching a tiger…..
I really wanted to touch its head but they wouldn’t let me. Something to do with the big teeth, I think.
In reality you only got about two seconds with any of the tigers. The monks or rangers chaperone you and are understandably nervous as hell. You only get enough time to pose with the tiger as your photo is taken. Of course, you also have to sign a document on the way in that more or less says, “Tigers may eat you, don’t hold us responsible. You went in of your own free will.”
No matter how tame these beasts seem to be, you’d best never forget that tigers are wild animals. They have a tendency to take your face off.
The tigers are kept in large cages and are trotted out once a day for about an hour to see the visitors, and you can get a chance to lead the tamest one (seen below) back to her pen.
This is the first tiger reared from cub to adulthood in the Monastery
I was slightly disappointed you didn’t get more time with the beasts but there were about fifty people there. It was great just to watch them, though. I’ve got more photos of the tigers than my own kids.
But look at this…this is one of the monks being asked for some cat food (a cooked chicken) by doing the same thing our cat Harleyboy does when he’s hungry…by being a big sook. This enormous beast rubbed its face up against the monk’s like a big moggy. This photo kind of captures it.
Later on we share our pickup truck back to Kanchanaburi with a London backpacking couple of physiotherapists called Laura and Dan and a German couple called Melanie and Robert. They are all staying at the Apple Guest house where we had planned to eat for our last night.
The Apple runs a Thai cooking school and food is supposed to be great. So that night we head down and meet up with our fellow tiger fanciers. We have a great night and I even speak a smidge of German again. Little point other than some practice for me, as Melanie’s English is as good as mine, but the two of them seem to like the fact that I give it a go.
So goodbye Kanchanaburi . Quite possibly the best two days of the trip so far.
Tomorrow we’re off back to Bangkok and one night of extreme luxury in the Davis Hotel before heading home….Oh and it just happens to be “Songkran”, Thailand’s New Year.
