Tartan telly: J’Accuse
TV production empire Endemol are looking to recruit a Scottish representative. I know this because I know someone who seems to think he’s perfect for the job and is bounding headlong into an interview. I am not going to go on record as to what I think of his chances, but as much as I love the guy, I fear for our reputation as a nation if he gets the job. An Englishman who has migrated and embraced the hunting, shooting, fishing life of a Scottish laird, I will weep if he is thought eminently suitable.
It seems to me that the very fact that TV companies have Scottish representatives who are charged with making programmes about Scotland for Scotland really is the problem with Scottish TV. As far as perpetuating the Scottish stereotype, we are our own worst enemies.
It all started with Scottish reputation Enemy Number 1: Harry Lauder. This boil on the bum of entertainment was a music hall turn in the 1920s and 30s who realised that taking the piss out of his own country would get him cheap but plentiful laughs, as he was devoid of talent and could think of nothing else to get the punters rolling in the aisles. Unfortunately for us, Lauder seemed to be quite successful and many of his onstage character’s traits like meanness and tweeness are now the world’s perceived image of my countrymen. Effectively Lauder’s legacy has poisoned our culture in a very far reaching way. It really is very wearing to have people shout “There’s a Moose Loose Aboot this Hoose” at you when on holiday.
Lauder was like Borat except not funny and unlike Sacha Baron Cohen, he actually took the piss out of his own country so can’t be accused of racism. Does it count if you are racist about your own country? Well it should. Anyway, I don’t know where the talentless bugger is buried but I’m guessing it is in Scotland. I’m all for exhuming him and chucking his corpse over Hadrian’s Wall to break the curse. It could be messy, and get us some grave-robbing charges but who’s with me?
These days Scottish television seems to think that programmes about the countryside and outdoor pursuits seem to be wholly representative of our culture. How very dull. If there’s one thing people who like telly don’t do it’s go outside much and canoe anywhere. Why, we’re too busy watching telly.
Still it could be worse. The Rab C Nesbitt Show could still be on. For those of you who don’t know anything about it, the 1980s/90s show’s hero (see top photo) was a dipsomaniac loser wearing a string vest and a stained bandage round his head, stottering about the streets of Glasgow making unemployed mischief. And the man who played him was a Scot. Worst of all Scottish people LOVED this show. The shame of it!
Having dabbled in TV production in my country I found it hard to get a foothold in homegrown broadcast production. When asked for ideas, I never had a Scottish angle. I wanted to make telly that happened to be in Scotland; not Scottish telly. When applying for jobs at BBC Scotland when I graduated in 1991, I would not make the shortlist as I couldn’t speak Gaelic. A BBC Charter enforced a strict and demographically disproportionate quota of Gaelic programmes at the time. I soon found my way down a different career path, but I am still very critical of the way Scottish TV is produced.
So as Big Brother producer Endemol look to produce programmes with a Scottish angle, expect some kilted bare-breasted, kilted, haggis hurling and stag fighting on the shores of Loch Ness with a Proclaimers soundtrack and a sponsorship deal with Glenfiddich.
Meanwhile the rest of us will go on leading our non-twee, non-tartan, non-water-rafting lives, watching something better on the other side.
(PS: Anyone else having trouble with Blogger’s formatting? it’s driving me insane!)
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