The Dawning of a New Order
We’ve reached a watershed moment in the house of the Flying Martinis. We’ve realised that we maybe don’t have enough discipline with the kids and here’s a list of what Indy and Junior MisssyM do that have made us come to that conclusion. Once you’ve read the lists you’ll agree it’s time for Misssy and Meeester M to get tough.
Let’s take Indy first.
Indy
1. Indy is a soap dodger; he hates washing. He lies about washing. Says he has washed but turns tap for sound effect only.
2. He also lies about brushing his teeth. Says he’s brushed but turns on tap and electric toothbrush for sound effects only.
3. Just about the only chore Indy has is to clear dinner table, but has to be asked at least five times and threatened with stuff every night before he actually does it. Last night I threatened to move in with him when I was an old lady.
4. Indy lies about having homework. Will rustle paper in manner of one who is doing homework. Is hoping parents will forget to check homework and he will get away with it.
5.Is asked to tidy room and will kick mess under his bed or stuff in laundry basket and then play Nintendo for half an hour. Fifteen year old cat Harleyboy built a nest under Indy’s bed recently. He may even have hatched some chicks.
6. Will drop coat, bag, shoes in piles outside front door. If we are lucky he will drop them inside, meaning that they won’t get rained/snowed on. But only if we’re very lucky. We came back from Glasgow on Sunday to find his jacket lying on the driveway. It had been there since Friday.
7. Indy has been caught putting jammies on over school shirt so that he doesn’t have to get dressed in the morning (apparently Meesestermartin and twin sister did this once too when they were Indy’s age. I knew it! Proof positive the Martin gene is responsible)
Jnr Misssy
1. Has screaming fit every night when the words “Bed time” are mentioned.
2. Wants mum to sit on her bed with her and hold her hand before she falls asleep every night. Never falls asleep until the first ten minutes of CSI are over, rendering the rest of the episode useless to Horatio/Grissom loving Mum when she eventually makes it back downstairs.
3. Will wake up and shriek if Mum leaves room before that ten minute period is over.
4. Won’t let Mum brush her teeth for her without big fight. “I’ll do it myself” she’ll wail.
In fact, take this phrase and apply it to anything Mum does for her, particularly involving pouring large heavy bottles of milk into small cereal bowls, brushing hair, or zipping anything up.
In short, anything that she can’t really do yet and will make a mess of until mum helps her is fair game for this kind of nonsense.
5. Sneaks into parents’ bed every night. Sometimes to pee on them.
6. Will not go to toilet on her own. The scenario is the same every time:
JNR Miss: “Mummy I need the toilet. Will you help myself?”
MisssyM: “C’mon, you’re a big girl. Go yourself.”
Jnr: “But will you help myself?”
MM: But you go on your own at nursery and C’s *”
Jnr “But will you help myself?”
MM: “Jnr Misssy, get up those stairs and go yourself! I’m in the middle of something**”
Jnr “But I neeeeeeed you!”
Misssy grabs Jnr’s hand and hauls her up the stairs grumbling under breath.
The pair go into toilet and Jnr Misssy shouts as Mum starts to “help herself” , “I can do it myself!!”
Small aneurism forms in MisssyM’s brain.
7. Screams “Arghhh Tuggy! Tuggy!” hysterically as soon as MisssyM even takes the hairbrush out of her handbag. You don’t even want to know what goes on as the brush actually touches her head.
8.Waits til Misssym sits down with anything to eat and either asks for “A snack” or eats half of what MisssyM is eating. No wonder I’m thin.
9. Waits til Misssym sits down with anything to drink and either asks for “A drink” or drinks half of what MisssyM is drinking. No wonder I’m dehydrated.
10. Will run from anywhere in house or garden if anyone switches “Nick Junior” to a different TV channel bawling, “But I was watching tha-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-at! Sob!”
So before we have to get that SuperNanny woman in we’re going all draconian on their asses. Rest assured, I’ll let you know how that goes. Meanwhile any advice or any lion taming gear much appreciated.
* C is jnr Misssy’s childminder. Poor cow.
** Writing blogs, eating crisps, putting on nail varnish.
The Dawning of a New Order
We’ve reached a watershed moment in the house of the Flying Martinis. We’ve realised that we maybe don’t have enough discipline with the kids and here’s a list of what Indy and Junior MisssyM do that have made us come to that conclusion. Once you’ve read the lists you’ll agree it’s time for Misssy and Meeester M to get tough.
Let’s take Indy first.
Indy
1. Indy is a soap dodger; he hates washing. He lies about washing. Says he has washed but turns tap for sound effect only.
2. He also lies about brushing his teeth. Says he’s brushed but turns on tap and electric toothbrush for sound effects only.
3. Just about the only chore Indy has is to clear dinner table, but has to be asked at least five times and threatened with stuff every night before he actually does it. Last night I threatened to move in with him when I was an old lady.
4. Indy lies about having homework. Will rustle paper in manner of one who is doing homework. Is hoping parents will forget to check homework and he will get away with it.
5.Is asked to tidy room and will kick mess under his bed or stuff in laundry basket and then play Nintendo for half an hour. Fifteen year old cat Harleyboy built a nest under Indy’s bed recently. He may even have hatched some chicks.
6. Will drop coat, bag, shoes in piles outside front door. If we are lucky he will drop them inside, meaning that they won’t get rained/snowed on. But only if we’re very lucky. We came back from Glasgow on Sunday to find his jacket lying on the driveway. It had been there since Friday.
7. Indy has been caught putting jammies on over school shirt so that he doesn’t have to get dressed in the morning (apparently Meesestermartin and twin sister did this once too when they were Indy’s age. I knew it! Proof positive the Martin gene is responsible)
Jnr Misssy
1. Has screaming fit every night when the words “Bed time” are mentioned.
2. Wants mum to sit on her bed with her and hold her hand before she falls asleep every night. Never falls asleep until the first ten minutes of CSI are over, rendering the rest of the episode useless to Horatio/Grissom loving Mum when she eventually makes it back downstairs.
3. Will wake up and shriek if Mum leaves room before that ten minute period is over.
4. Won’t let Mum brush her teeth for her without big fight. “I’ll do it myself” she’ll wail.
In fact, take this phrase and apply it to anything Mum does for her, particularly involving pouring large heavy bottles of milk into small cereal bowls, brushing hair, or zipping anything up.
In short, anything that she can’t really do yet and will make a mess of until mum helps her is fair game for this kind of nonsense.
5. Sneaks into parents’ bed every night. Sometimes to pee on them.
6. Will not go to toilet on her own. The scenario is the same every time:
JNR Miss: “Mummy I need the toilet. Will you help myself?”
MisssyM: “C’mon, you’re a big girl. Go yourself.”
Jnr: “But will you help myself?”
MM: But you go on your own at nursery and C’s *”
Jnr “But will you help myself?”
MM: “Jnr Misssy, get up those stairs and go yourself! I’m in the middle of something**”
Jnr “But I neeeeeeed you!”
Misssy grabs Jnr’s hand and hauls her up the stairs grumbling under breath.
The pair go into toilet and Jnr Misssy shouts as Mum starts to “help herself” , “I can do it myself!!”
Small aneurism forms in MisssyM’s brain.
7. Screams “Arghhh Tuggy! Tuggy!” hysterically as soon as MisssyM even takes the hairbrush out of her handbag. You don’t even want to know what goes on as the brush actually touches her head.
8.Waits til Misssym sits down with anything to eat and either asks for “A snack” or eats half of what MisssyM is eating. No wonder I’m thin.
9. Waits til Misssym sits down with anything to drink and either asks for “A drink” or drinks half of what MisssyM is drinking. No wonder I’m dehydrated.
10. Will run from anywhere in house or garden if anyone switches “Nick Junior” to a different TV channel bawling, “But I was watching tha-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-at! Sob!”
So before we have to get that SuperNanny woman in we’re going all draconian on their asses. Rest assured, I’ll let you know how that goes. Meanwhile any advice or any lion taming gear much appreciated.
* C is jnr Misssy’s childminder. Poor cow.
** Writing blogs, eating crisps, putting on nail varnish.
Your leisure is my pleasure
They breed them young. Just like Hitler with his Hitler Youth, they are young impressionable beasts, lured by the power giving properties of a whistle and total authoritaa over all you survey. Their unquestioning adoption and the fierce enforcement of ridiculously draconian rules is part of the code they live by. They are the swimming pool attendants that ruined our son’s birthday.
Actually they are the swimming pool attendants that ruin every trip anyone in the UK has to any swimming pool ever. They are bred in pods and then released into leisure centres fully formed.
Remember that old sign that had what you can’t do in a swimming pool. (Look above, I found it on tinternet! God Bless Google Images)
- No petting: Everyone’s favourite. What is petting? No-one really knew. Except your older friend who would give you some explanation that confused you more.
Is it kissing? Is it touching stuff underneath trunks/bathing suit? Is it full on intercourse (not easy in chlorinated water- may necessitate trip to doctors afterwards) Anyway, picture of middle aged chest wig bearing man chatting up busty blonde bimbo beside pool would put anyone off whatever petting was anyway. If that’s petting I want none of it. Source of much conversation as a pool going pre-pubescent.
- No bombing- Aww, why not. Bombing is fun!
- No ducking- tell that to the teenage lads that use that as a courting technique.
- No acrobatics- are you kidding, I’m barely managing to keep afloat, never mind do twirly stuff.
- No running- you may actually enjoy yourself
- No smoking- but surely that’s why middle aged woman swim with their heads held firmly above water. So as not to extinguish their lit fags.
- No shouting. So if drowning and trying to attract attention of potential lifesavers, do it quietly, eh?
- No pushing. What? This was the fathers’ preferred method of getting their kid to learn to swim.
“Just chuck him in the deep end. He’ll soon learn. Worked for me and my father before me” .
“Didn’t your father have an irrational fear of water and eventually drown in the one meter deep duck pond?”
“Just get in the pool, son” *PUSH*
9. No toilet. Hands up who has never peed in the pool! Thought so.
When our new school was built there was much excitement. Over the fact that we now had a swimming pool. There was a rumour that if you peed in the pool a red-ring would form around you, identifying you to the swimming pool attendant.
My mate Deborah asked our PE teacher in all seriousness. “Miss. If that red ring appears, and you swim away, does it follow you?”
10. No food. After taking the superb fat busting cardio-vascular exercise of swimming our café will redress the balance by offering a range of high fat, high carbohydrate, processed and deep fried food, with no healthy alternatives available despite this being a fitness centre.
Well, now in the 21st Century the rules would be the following:
- No unapproved swimming aids (only those bought at our shop will be permitted)
- No cameras- swimming pools are a well known primary source of child pornography. Fact.
- No single men wearing raincoats in the spectators’ area. See above.
- No un-authorised fun of any kind. Those wanting to have fun will have to apply in writing at least 30 days in advance.
- No diving or showing off of any water based skills in any way. Even on a diving board. Diving boards will be closed anyway as councillors have deemed them too dangerous. But we’ll not remove them, just to annoy you.
- No swimming except in roped off lanes which necessitate an elaborate queuing and ticketing system
- No spontaneous fun of any kind. This may cause a breach of ridiculous Health and Safety rules
- No laughing. Smiling will only be tolerated in certain areas.
- No untamed pubic hair.
- No opposite sex “petting” however same sex petting is overlooked as the council has an equal opportunities policy.
Still, a day at the swimming pool has it advantages. One single trip will revive your marriage/partnership no end. Simply look around at the other naked male specimens and you will quickly find your chosen partner more attractive than you ever have.* I am assured by my husband that this also works for men.
Happy bathing and remember: NO ENJOYING YOURSELF!
* Only applies in Scotland. Do NOT try in Italy.
