Misssy Enrages A Granny
I upset a granny yesterday. In a road rage incident.
The incident is bizarre for two reasons;
1. Road rage is always bloody stupid. People who get upset in their cars should not be allowed behind a wheel. It is ridiculous. Calm the hell down, everyone.
2. You just don’t expect 70+ ladies to be the ones who are raging. I always get a shock when I hear an old lady say the F word too; it’s not right or normal.
To illustrate my point, I am going to describe the rage incident in two ways; the first story will include the vehicles, and not just because I want to namecheck my new mini. In the second, I am going to remove the cars.
Stay with me, it’ll work.
Version One: In Cars
I am in the Tesco car park with the new mini, (wink).
Our local Tesco is being completely revamped, but of course, instead of closing it down while they triple it in size, it stays open to fleece the local community, give their workers tinnitus due to the incessant building noise, and confuse the hell out of everyone as they change both the shop and car park layout every week.
I have provided a crap drawing to illustrate the layout.
(Click on pic to enlarge, or if you’re using blogger, Bild anzeigen in einem Neuen Fenster)
Misssy is motoring along looking for a space. It is raining and she has just straightened her hair. Parking place proximity to shop is a concern, as she has not umbrella and has natural bedspring hair.
She spots a car space (Parking Space 1), and pulls in. But it’s a doubler!! Yay! So she moves forward into the other one (Parking Space 2) , so that she doesn’t have to reverse out. There’s still a wee distance to the shop but she’ll chance it. She has a hat just in case.
But what’s this? Another space much closer to the shop across the second carriageway?
“Beezer”, she thinks, “I’ll have that.”
So she pulls out of space 2 and motors along the carriageway which, fact fans, has ample room for cars going in both directions.
There is a red car coming from the opposite direction. Missy thinks nothing of it and as she stops she puts on her indicator to let everyone know she wants to pull into the space and let the oncoming lady go past.
The older lady does not go past.
Instead, she stops her car, window to window with Misssy. She then SCREAMS with rage at Misssy, and makes a gesture to indicate that this particular carriageway is ONE WAY.
Who knew? Does it matter, there is ample room. No danger is present.
Misssy smiles at the woman and show her surprise at this news, “Sorry!” she mouths, cheerfully, “I didn’t know”.
What happens next is bizarre. The woman doesn’t move on. Instead, she bellows a stream of abuse in the direction of Misssy. Her face is red, and then purple, with anger. As her window is not down, Misssy cannot hear exact words, but there’s a couple of “fuckings” in there . And a couple of “bitches” . Whew what a torrent!
Let’s repeat one fact. This woman is in her SEVENTIES. At least.
Then, satisfied that she has sufficiently spewed enough bile in the direction of Misssy, the angry lady carries on her way. Possibly to have a stroke.
Misssy pulls into the space and assumes the universal “What the fuck??“ facial expression.
* * * * * * * * *
Version 2: On foot
Okay, one way systems don’t exist for pedestrians. I know that. (They may do in Germany, they’re like that. Rules for everything, that lot.) Anyway, suspend your disbelief, please.
A woman is walking down a street and comes across an older woman coming from the opposite direction as she goes past.
“This is a One Way street, you are not supposed to walk this way!” the older lady bellows in the face of the younger woman.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know” explains the younger woman, smiling.
“You stupid fucking bitch,” the woman screams, her face red and then purple with anger, “What the fuck are you doing, you bloody idiot?!!! This is a ONE WAY! A ONE WAY, YOU STUPID BITCH! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING???????!!! AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!”
The woman walks off.
The young woman assumes the universal “What the fuck??” facial expression.
* * * * * * * * *
So, I think we treat this as a public service post.
Lessons learned:
1. Don’t do road rage, it’s silly.
2. Don’t underestimate pensioners. They can be bloody vicious.
3. Smiling at road ragers is a laugh and really winds them up more (not my initial intention, but hey, what a result!)
Lessons not learned
1. Pay attention to signs in car parks
2. Don’t be so concerned about your hair that everything else takes second place.
