The Good the bad and The Queen
The Flying Martinis are back on Scottish soil. The Thai party’s over and we must return to our normal lives.
Despite the fact that I’ve been posting up the last of my Thai blogs over the last few days (There’s still one last one to come- but I can’t post it now for reasons too boring to relate- it’ll be up later tonight) we have actually been back since Sunday night.
In that time I’ve realised that nothing of note has happened in the UK during our absence. On the flight from Dubai to Glasgow, the cabin crew doled out copies of the Saturday Glasgow Herald and I knew that it had been a slow news week when the front page headline was about Wayne Rooney’s “better half” (could you find a worse half? She’d have to be an Ork) Coleen stunning the nation by NOT wearing a hat on Ladies Day at Ascot. Sweet Jesus, will the madness never end?
Things hotted up slightly on reaching Glasgow and Sunday papers which of course had the earth shattering news that like his old man, Oor Wullie, our next King but one, was going to hang about a bit (read shag a few more well bred fillies) before marrying some fertility tested Sloaney breeding machine. This place has gone to the dogs! (Corgis, perhaps?)
Of course, all events and real news have been scrapped for the Scottish Parliament election coverage. Maybe this time next year we’ll be an independent nation, who knows? It’s certainly looking like it could happen. I think a lot of Scots are thinking they’d rather have their taxes spent at home than on an illegal war in Iraq and that we could probably benefit from being freed from the clutches of the US. Since the UK government doesn’t seem to want to distance themselves from Mr Bush’s crackpot foreign policies, then maybe at least the Scots have a way out the back door.
Now, I know that a lot of folk don’t want to lose our ties with the Royal Family. I’m not one of them, but I understand that many people have a lot of affection for the inbred bunch of disfunctionals. Even now that the best ones are dying off. So I am hereby offering up my Family as candidates for the Scottish Royal Family. I think we’ve got all the ingredients you’d expect.
Take my Gran- she’d be a great Queen Mum. She is just like Viz comic’s Mrs Brady, Old Lady, but more offensive. She also looks great in lilac and is despite some recent health scares refuses to leave this mortal coil- so she’s definately a candidate for reaching the big 100. I’m sure she’s also choked on the odd fish bone, as HRH used to do regularly just to keep us on our toes.
My Dad upsets groups of people regularly, just like Prince Philip. He’d never be out of the papers. He’s not been as bad as to call people “slitty eyed” like old racist Phil did that time in China, but he did once upset all local golfers when introduced to the chairman of the local golf club, he said something along the lines of “And I thought all golfers were queer…”. He has also in the past told a Stevie Wonder joke to a blind man. He’s perfect for the job.
My mum thinks she’s in charge of everyone anyway so she’s perfect for Queen. And she’s had the same hairstyle her whole life- just like Liz.
My brother is the Prince Andrew type international playboy. STILL not married! At 36! Just ask my gran- it’s all she talks about.
Where does leave that me,and the Flying Martinis? Oh, we just want to be those peripheral royals that get a wad of cash for doing not much of anything, that get the kudos, privelege and use of the country houses but no-one really knows how they get away with it.
We’ve all got our own green wellies and headscarves so we’re good to go.
Give it some thought and get back to me.
Ps: One more Thai blog to go up- sorry for messing with your heads. It’ll be up later.
