Leading Men
Insert caption about Ben Fogel attracting dogs here
Apparently in London there is a company which has been set up to allow the good dogless citizens of the UK capital access to a dog by the hour. This dog rental system, Flexpetz, is apparently doing rather well and is set to be rolled out nationwide in the near future.
The idea of setting up a business hiring a range of dogs out to petless city dwellers in need of some doggy affection for an hour or two is one I’d like to see the Business Plan for, if not the reaction on the bank manager’s face when the proposal was put forward. How can this bizarre idea be a success?
Yet,the more I think about it, I can kind of see the reasoning behind it.
Surely this idea must be borne out of the various research that leads blokes to think that they might meet women in parks if they have an adorable dog attached to them. Perhaps they have tried hanging around in parks without a dog and have been upset at the results, as being dogless in a London park will result in one of the following:
- Tory MPs, Kevin Spacey or George Michael inviting you to their country cottages.
- Women slapping your face as you misguidedly act like Benny Hill.
- Men with matted hair, Scottish accents and choice breath wanting to be your “besshhht mate”.
Get yourself a cute dog and you can’t fail but to make congress with other dog owners. Get a puppy and you can just stand still as the ladies flock to you in vast numbers. It’s simple. All you need are some poop bags, a winsome smile and business cards printed with your mobile number on and you are set.
Other reasons for renting a dog for an hour is to remind yourself what a pain in the arse dogs are. It strikes me that people may rent their spouse or their child a dog for an hour if they show any signs of wanting one full time, on a permanent basis. I am, of course, offering my own dog up for this purpose. One hour with Sonny, the Black Menace, is the equivalent of the old draconian method fathers used to use to put their sons off smoking. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, it involves sitting your boy down and making him smoke a packet of twenty in one go. Sonny is the equivalent of a pack of Capstan Full Strength in that regard. You’ll be settling for a goldfish in no time.
In a similar vein, broody girlfriends and wives unsure of their partner’s parenting potential may rent a dog for the hour to test their man’s skills in looking after an animate object. And since you can’t rent kids by the hour as that’s a bit flippin’ dodgy, and generally frowned upon, dogs are the next best thing. If the man comes back with the dog alive…. Scratch that…if the man comes back with the dog at all after an hour, you’ve got a good basis for starting a family. If the dog has been left outside a pub and it takes your man until bedtime to remember about it, you either need to go without babies or get a new prospective father.
Meanwhile, in these troubled times, where gangs of hoodies roam the streets, certain types of dogs may be available to help you make the walk home safely and without incident. If the dog rental system hasn’t cottoned onto this, then they are surely missing a trick. Walking down Dalston high street with a snarling Rottweiler called Genghis, may mean that you need not fear for your life.
However, some inner city ghettos may prove tough even for the snarliest of hired-gun canines. Might I suggest the development of the Wild Boar Unit or a Tiger Division; a division for which my gorgeous husband surely is the poster boy.
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Sharp Dressed Man
Meeester and Misssy before they were Mister and Missus (1992)
From the second I met Meeester I have been saving him from his own sartorial disasters. Here’s a catalogue of the worst ones.
The Boater and Apron Combo
I met Meeester seconds after we both graduated from our respective Universities. I had no job, he had a crappy one in a food court. Study hard, kids; that’s what awaits you.
The Kerosene Wardrobe
I may have mentioned that in the past that when I first went out with Meeester his bedroom was in a wasp infested cottage porch. His wardrobe was a large cardboard box that sat on top of a boiler. The boiler leaked all over the box and clothes. Still Meeester wore his kerosene infested clothes for months. He was the world’s first flammable boyfriend. I’m pretty sure that there’s a coat somewhere in our basement that still whiffs a bit and may be a catalyst in a future house fire.
The Petrol Pump Jacket
Meeester had a friend who worked in an independent “trendy” clothes shop and gave him a discount. Meeester came back one day with a tight fitting silver zip up jacket with one red and one blue stripe down the front. He thought he looked great. We all struggled to put our feelings about the jacket into words, but then my mum hit the nail on the head when she said, “It’s like a petrol pump attendant’s jacket”. She hated it. We all did. Meeester loved it all the more.
On the run up to Christmas Meeester thought it would be funny to give my mum the jacket as a joke present seeing as the very sight of it upset her. On Christmas morning my mother unwraps the gift and we all have a good laugh at her disgust when she sees the Petrol Pump Jacket. She sees her chance and declares it hers to do whatever she will with the garment. Meeester never sees it again.
The Green Adidas Top
Around the time of the Park Life album by Blur Meeester acquires a bottle green Adidas tracksuit top. This enrages Misssy who is fundamentally anti sportgear worn as everyday wear. It is also neddy* and must go. Meeester loves it all the more.
Just before Misssy enters her last week of pregnancy with baby Indy, Misssy is concerned that Meeester will turn up at the hospital to greet the newborn in the green tracksuit top and enlists the help of Super Auntie-to-be, Misssy A.
Oh and did I mention how wonderful Meeester is?
*International readers, I think you may not understand the word “ned” or “neddy”. Ned in scotland means Non-Educated -Delinquent. I believe the word Chav and Schemey are UK synonyms. In US I think the phrase is “white trash”. I would delighted to learn more words for this, as living in Scotland, I have many opportunities to use these terms.
