Aberdeen Beeaaatch
Seen in the window of the twee Scottish tourist shop in my town today. A t-shirt on a female dummy. It is white and has a has blue slogan that reads:
“I was born a bitch, what’s your excuse?”
“Aberdeen, Scotland”
It has little Scottish St Andrew’s flag embroidered below .
What the blazes? I am absolutely at a loss. Is “I was born a bitch, what’s your excuse?” Aberdeen’s Slogan? Was there a vote on this? Did I miss a meeting?
1. What has being a bitch got to do with being in Aberdeen, Scotland?
2. Is this a traditional well known quote from the works of Rabbie Burns or Sir Walter Scott that I have missed? It surely must have some cultural significance…why else would it be there above our national flag?
Maybe it’s an Irvine Welsh quote. But surely that would be more,
“I was born a doss c**t, what’s your excuse”
3. Maybe it’s an attempt to capture the modern Scots way of talking. A bit ghetto, you know. Like those t-shirts that circulated back in the late eighties that said “Pure Dead Brilliant” on them. So then why does it sound like something that would come out of the mouth of a trailer trash Jerry Springer guest?
4. Who are going to buy these? Bitches, presumably.
5. If this is what’s in the window, what the hell else is inside? I may go in the shop tomorrow to find out. Maybe there’s such delights as t-shirts with:
“See Glasgow and
get to f**k”
“Edinburgh….
City of Bastards”
“Get tae Fochabers”
“ I 
Dundee.
Whit the F**K are ye gonna dae about it, pal”
6. The phrase in itself doesn’t make sense. It suggests that being born a bitch is OK.
Claiming that you were born a with a disposition towards extreme violence may just get one off in court after committing the most heinous of crimes? I can just see Eichmann trying that one out in Nuremberg,
“I was born a fascist genocidal evil monster, what’s your excuse?”
“You’ve got us there, Adolf!”
7. So imagine you’re an American tourist, and you go in and buy this for someone back home as a souvenir. “Here you go, Mom. I saw this and thought of you.”
8. How many babies do you know that are bitches? You can’t be born a bitch! That’s ludicrous. I bet even Margaret Thatcher was cute once.
9. Scottish tourist board marketing meeting on a range of “ironic” t-shirts.
“It doesn’t say shortbread, tartan and haggis. It says ‘Come to Scotland, we may threaten you, but we’ll do with with our famous sense of humour.’”
P45! The lot of them!
I like telly. I like it a lot.
At the moment I’m too busy for much telly and to be honest nothing is really banging my gong. Except the Apprentice. Love that.
I look forward to 9pm on Wednesday every week with such excitement that I can barely contain myself. I shout at the telly every week, and I refuse to learn the names of the contenders as I don’t need names, I just need swear words and insults.
Who do I think will win? I don’t care; they are all arses. I just want to see them be arses every week. You couldn’t honestly couldn’t write this stuff. Favourite thing? The way they all call Alan Sugar “SRRALAN”.
Here’s a run down of ones I can be bothered remembering:
Army Arse
Kicked out by SRRALAN after trying to flog the raw material for Cheesestrings at a French gourmet food market. Possibly the best episode yet. Would not admit fault even when he had to throw all the unsold Cheesestring in the bin and get the hell out of France quicker than the Scarlett Pimpernel. Also was getting it on (ewww) with the horsey sloaney one with the bad eyeshadow. I cannot put into words how much of an arse this one is. He is so posh that you can’t understand what he says. Is there a word for prejudice against the upper classes? If there is then I’m it….and he’s made me it.
The Evil Jafar
I’m nicking this name from my mate Cammy, as it’s spot on. I believe he’s called Trey but in our house he is called “The Evil Jafar” as he looks like the Evil Jafar from Disney’s Aladdin. Look below if you don’t believe me.
If Evil Jafar wins it’ll be so funny. In fact if he wins I want to see a show dedicated to his first year working for SRRALAN. He’s is as politically incorrect as they come, and everythng he touches turns to poo, but as TV shelf life goes, Evil Jafar is this year’s Badger.
Sloaney Smacked Arse Horseface.
She is needing a good kicking. I want to see this woman helicoptered into the Possil Estate in Eastend Glasgow and made to work in a chip shop for the rest of her life. Has been getting it on with Army Arse and disgusting as that is, they deserve each other. The image of them at it makes me want to dash out my eyes with a spike. She has a face I would never tire of slapping and has upset the whole of the North of England with her snooty remarks about Northerners (mainly Acned Car Salesman). She’d be best advised to stay firmly in the South East for her own protection. About as welcome in Bolton as Jimmy Hill is in Glasgow.
Irish Beeaaatcch.
Quite like her, but wouldn’t want to work with her as she’s naaaasty. She may seriously win. She’s brutal but usually right about everyone she’s brutal about. Grassed on Army Twat and Horseface getting it on to SRRALAN. Wonderfully evil.
The Blonde Sleeper
She may win as she’s a bit like SRRALAN’S type who won last year (Michelle, I think) except she’s not getting it on with any of the other contestants yet (like Michelle), so unlike last year’s winner won’t get up the duff, five days into the Apprenticeship and have to hand in her notice. There’s nothing of note to say about her other than that though.
Vanilla Ice
DID you see this utter twat last week? The Fresh-Prince-of-Maudlin-College-Oxford. Boooyaaaa! Him breakdancing for the trainers ad last week had me simultaneously peeing my pants and hiding behind my hands. Still, you caught my attention, I’ll give you that. Was like watching Prince Edward having to blend in to downtown Compton in order to make it out alive and unnoticed. (Now there’s a film idea for ya.)
Token gay Asian bloke.
He is the only one I would have in my house. Noticeable for genuinely not being a twat. I’d like him to win, but he won’t. He just won’t make an impact in amongst all the big characters.
Glaswegian Gazal.
Sadly kicked out last week because she was utter shit, frankly. I liked her kinda because she was Scottish, high pitched and only my cats could hear her once she got into a tizz. I’m a bit like that. Unlike her though, I can walk and chew gum at the same time. Absolutely beautiful til she opened her gob and let out banshee wail. I’ll miss her.
Clueless Acned Car Saleman.
You know I quite liked him, but I think he might have taken a wrong turning on his way to the X Factor auditions…. He was rubbish and SRRALAN was right to get rid but he seemed an okay guy. Everybody else hated him though. I can’t imagine him selling any cars, and frankly that’s not a good thing. On the show after the Apprentice his mum was in the audience. She was so sunbed tanned that she looked like the animated Pepperami from the ad, but with a bobbed dark wig on.
Lady Macbeth
This one wants it too bad. She will kill. She will maim. If SRRALAN fires her, he better watch his back, that’s all I can say. Come to think of it, if he hires her he’d better be careful too.
Can’t remember any of the others that have gone…they’ve melted into nothingness like so many of the Castaways, Housemates and Pop Idols of yesteryear.
I am worried about what I’ll do when it’s all over . What can possibly give me that regular injection of voyeuristic schadenfreude?
Shhhhhh! Big Brother starts in three weeks…….sorry. I know…….I could pretend that I won’t watch it this year, but who am I kidding?
