Run Misssy Run!
Yesterday: Scenario One
08.57am: Misssy wakes up, looks at alarm clock. “Fuck!” is her first word of the day.
08.57 and 3 seconds am: Wakes sleeping Indy with the bad news, “We’re late, you’re going to be late for school! I’m sorry! Get dressed! No time for breakfast! Just put this on! I’m so sorry!”
Indy starts to cry. “Why did you sleep in? Evil Mrs S will give me a row”
08.59am: Misssy, whilst shoving still sleeping, weeping, breakfast-less, packed lunch-less Indy out the door, “Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry…Here’s some dinner money!”
Throws some coins in Indy’s direction.
09.00am: Wake Junior Misssy . Junior Misssy refuses any clothing Misssy chooses and fight ensues.
09.15am: Jnr is flung into Nursery wearing God knows what.
9.16am: Misssy rushes back to computer. Misssy has deadline today and her script has been passed to lovely L in the company she is working for to be proof read. Which is a good thing as regular readers of the Misssives will testify to typo filled prose.
09.30am: Misssy also has phone meeting with her project manager. It’s supposed to be at 9.15. Also still no sign of proof-read script for her to double check, accept millions of changes and have delivered in plenty of time to client that she is meeting at 1pm that day, giving him time to check over it and approve it before the day is out.
10.05am: Misssy has shower. No time to dry or straighten hair. Misssy looks like Alice Cooper, except not as good.
10.30am: Proof-reader emails “Sorry my computer crashed. Will get script to you ASAP. It’s a nightmare here”
11.30am: Run to get Jnr from nursery. Misssy forgets to bring money for Nursery trip tomorrow. Bugger.
11.45am: Script arrives but L has changed a lot of terms that the client wants left in. Misssy has to go through the lot and retype them. She also has to get Junior to sister’s 6 miles in the opposite direction of where she is due for her meeting at 1pm.
11.46am: Misssy stupidly thinks she can check over a 60 page script and email it all sorted to client before setting off at 12 noon.
11.59am: Misssy realises she has no hope of sorting any of this out and abandons project in favour of keeping appointment instead.
12.15pm: Misssy flings Jnr Misssy at sister barely stopping the car to do so.
12.17pm: Misssy remembers that the petrol light has been on since yesterday. She thinks she should be able to run on fumes the 16 miles to town. Before meeting will stop into get petrol. Prays to God for assistance in this.
12.50pm: Stuck in traffic at bottom of so called ringroad. See petrol station over the road. Realises she’ll have to get petrol after meeting. Will run on fumes to meeting. Prays to Vishnu for assistance in this.
1pm: Misssy is still on ring road. Why can’t anyone else but her drive properly?
1.15pm: Misssy arrives at client’s reception, sweating. Receptionist gives her message from Project Manager. Can Misssy phone her before going in? Results of call unimportant to story but Misssy is set back a further 3 mins.
1.18pm: Misssy has meeting. She nods a lot and pretends to understand algebra being spoken like it is English. She is in a constant state of thinly disguised panic. She must be out of meeting before 3. Client knows this but of course she is 20 minutes late so she doesn’t press the point.
3.05 pm: Misssy gets back to badly parked car. Indy is out of school in 10 minutes. He knows to come straight home as he has dentist appointment. But Misssy must get petrol. She decides she will get it on other side of town. She will run on fumes ‘til then. Prays to Ganesh for assistance in this.
3.30pm: Indy is now out of school and heading home to empty Misssyless house. “Mum is really fucking up today,” he thinks, except that boy would never swear.
Misssy is heading toward petrol station unaware that in her haste this morning she has left her purse on the hall stairs. She’ll just have to go on fumes back home 7 miles way. Prays to Buddha for assistance in this.
3.45pm: Grabs Indy from front garden barely stopping car. Hands him toothbrush (Yes, she remembers toothbrush but not purse. What is that about?). Phones Meeester illegally on mobile whilst driving. “Dentist 4.30pm, right?”
Apparently not. It’s at 4pm. No time to go to petrol station. Will get to town where dentist is (and where sister looking after Junior also is) 8 miles away on fumes. Prays to Jesus for assistance in this.
3.55pm. Dentist town visible on horizon. Car says, “Phut!” Lurch! “Phut!” Lurch. Misssy takes car out of gear and coasts hoping that no car in front will turn off necessitating her to brake and lose valuable momentum. Prays to Mohammed for assistance in this.
Indy is looking at Mum with absolute delight. He has stopped hating her for the morning’s trauma, and now worships her as a superhero.
3.57pm: Car dies on edge of town. Misssy prays to Father Son and Holy Ghost as she turns ignition and the car manages to locate molecule of fuel from somewhere and starts. She coasts into town, past lots of parked cars. Silver Audi waits ahead for her to pass so that he can then go past said cars in opposite direction. Car dies half way past parked cars. Audi bastard helpfully starts sounding horn. Misssy loses it:
“Yes, you utter bastard I’ve just stopped here because I fancied it. I’m stuck here because I thought it would be a bit of a laugh! Arggghghghghghghgh!”, she shouts.
Misssy prays to flipping L Ron Hubbard and his alien monster guys for assistance as she turns the ignition once more. L-Ron comes through and the car sputters into life. Audi bastard cheerfully sounds horn once more as Misssy goes lurching past, obviously to cheer her good fortune and not because he is a stupid ignorant fuck wit.
Indy runs out of car and shouts, “I’ll run to dentist. You get Jnr”. Bless him, he’s back on side.
End of day: Misssy and kids come home after Meeester M rescues them. Misssy flakes out on sofa and writes shite blog about her shite day. Nobody can be arsed reading about her shite day as they’ve troubles of their own. Misssy goes to bed exhausted, unread and on the verge of nervous collapse, just to do it all again tomorrow.
Yesterday: Scenario Two
8am: Meeester M says goodbye on way out. Misssy wakes, showers, gets kids up.
8.15am: Kids dress and eat breakfast.
8.45am: Misssy takes kids to school. It’s a beautiful day. “I love you, Mum,” says Indy as he waves her goodbye at the school gate.
9am: Misssy packs her things ready for her meeting. “Must remember to put petrol in car.”
9.15am: Misssy has phone meeting with Project Manager.
11.10am: Misssy collects Jnr from nursery and, smiling, delivers her to Auntie. Her hair looks great as she’s had plenty of time to style it. The sunlight catches her highlights as she heads back to her car.
11.45am: Misssy heads into town.
12.15am: Misssy stops off to buy petrol.
12.45pm: Misssy arrives at office and is given message to phone Project Manager
1pm: Misssy has meeting with client. Everything makes sense.
3pm: Misssy heads home
3.20pm: Misssy picks up Indy, checks on dental appointment time with husband.
4pm: Misssy successfully delivers children to dentist. Whilst chilling in waiting room she comes up with magic idea for a blog.
6pm: Kids out in garden. Meeester is cutting grass. Misssy writes amazing blog.
9pm: Blog is so great that word spreads of its brilliance and an unprecedented amount of people read it.
Week later: Misssy is asked to expand blog further in the form of a book by top publishing house.
Months later: Book sells millions
Next year: Misssy retires to South of France where she does nothing ever again for the rest of her life except drink cocktails, buy frocks and lounge about.
Which one do you think happened?
