This is My Main Offender….
WARNING: This next post may get me sacked.
OTHER WARNING: I am going to upset all orphaned, single-parent, gender-confused, blind, Aboriginal, one-legged, cross dressing, lesbian, dyslexic, ex-con, Muslims. If you are an orphaned, single-parent, gender-confused, blind, Aboriginal, one-legged, cross dressing, lesbian, dyslexic, ex-con, Muslim, then maybe don’t read any further.
Despite the risk to my livelihood I cannot leave this unblogged. Here goes nutthin’.
In the Kafkaesque Labyrinth of Bureaucracy that is my day job, political correctness rules. But in a non-hegemonous, free-thinking, democratic way, you understand. No-one gets oppressed or ‘owt.
We are funded by the relevant governments; the UK one, the Scottish one and the EU one, so we like to push the buttons of all three.The third institution, in particular, likes to reward political correctness and seems to issue more funding and Brownie points for “social inclusion”.
Nothing wrong with that. Come one, come all. It’s the spin that bugs me. In fact, that’s being generous. It’s the lies that bug me.
For example our PR folk like to seek out the 10 or so students of African origin (out of the 20,000 others that are our “clients”) and use them for publicity shoots. They also froth at the mouth with excitement if anyone in a wheelchair does anything that can be remotely described as an achievement.
As a result the “minorities” in our care probably find themselves stalked and annoyed by the management to such a degree that they find it difficult to lead a normal student life in our environs. The poor folk can’t go a day without a photo being taken of them, a press release being issued about them, a scroll being pressed into their hands, or a medal being pinned on them. It must be terribly wearing.
“For God’s sake let me study and stop asking me to glad hand Provosts and MPs and MSPs for photo opportunities! If I wasn’t blind already, my flipping retinas would be burned out from all the flash guns!” , a visually impaired student wasn’t heard to say, yesterday.
The other week I watched one of the management team practically get what can only be described as a sexually charged glow as one of my colleagues casually mentioned that one of her students was recording a sound only version of a publication his class was working on, as he was registered blind. The colleague only mentioned it because it showed how the students were using the different facilities, she wasn’t making a point about disability!
Management lady’s excitement at this revelation was downright embarrassing. It was nearly a “Harry Met Sally” moment. I actually blushed for her.
Ah, but such students are highly prized. Legend has it that there is an orphaned, single-parent, gender-confused, blind, Aboriginal, one-legged, cross dressing, lesbian, dyslexic, ex-con, Muslim in a University somewhere in the UK. This University is envied by all other educational establishments. Bizarre and costly attempts are made to woo the Holy Grail student to other Universities, for she is prized for her funding and publicity generating properties. Many speak of her, but only one can have her. It’s true*
Today, my charges have to fill in an online questionnaire. It is to monitor how they have found their experiences with us as they finish a year of study. It is one of about eight such questionnaires they have been asked (told) to complete in the last month. We like feedback, we like questionnaires, we like the numbers and funding they generate in my Undisclosed-Because-I-Don’t-Want-To-Get-Fired-Educational- Establishment.
The last question of this particular questionnaire reads:
“Do you consider, or have you ever considered yourself to be transgender?”
There are two options you can tick: YES or NO.
I think they should have added a third, personally:
*YES
*NO
*MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS!
Inevitably, all my students ticked YES as they thought it was funny. Have these people never MET 18 year-olds? OF COURSE EVERYONE IS GOING TO TICK YES!
So, what is going to be done with this data? This data that says that 99% of the students in this Undisclosed-Because-I Don’t-Want-To-Get-Fired-Educational-Establishment, are or have been at one point considering themselves “transgender”. I want to see what kind of league table those stats put us on!
Some other things occur to me:
1. Why do they need this data? Is this an attempt to root out the next Holy Grail student; the next funding and publicity cash cow? Are we soon going to have a questionnaire next that asks:
Are you Aboriginal?
Do you have one leg?
Are you gender confused?
Are you a single parent?
Are you orphaned?
Are you blind?
Do you like cross dressing?
Are you a lesbian?
Are you dyslexic?
Are you a Muslim?
Do you like getting your photo taken?
2. How much extra money will the undisclosed establishment get due the fact that the EU clearly have a Tranny Trove? What will they use it for? Will they install a third category of loo with a special transgender sign?
3. Are they then going to pin-point these transgender people and make sure that they get represented fairly on all undisclosed-because-I-don’t-want-to-get-fired-establishment literature in the same way our five endlessly tolerant Asian students do or that guy with the guide dog does?
4.Are we going to see lovely photos in the foyer of hairy knuckled lipstick wearing transitional transgender Laydees being embraced by the principal of undisclosed college or visiting politicians for the press?
5. Maybe they are thinking of marketing courses specifically for transgender people. What could these be? (Oh please! Answers in comments, please!!!)
See, I told you I was going to get the sack. (Or is that what the gender reassignment surgeon gets when they do the operation? Cue canned laughter….)
*OK you got me; that bit is not true.
