Gill’s Addiction

What is the point of a blog if it’s not confessional? Those who have read my profile and other blogs probably know too much about me anyway, so what is there left to lose? My confession is this; I have turned into Elizabeth Taylor and I am not sure when it happened. No, I haven’t started hanging out with Michael Jackson and wearing kaftans; it’s just that I am addicted to gems, jewels, jewellery, and general expensive shiny sparkly stuff.

Actually my addiction is far more tawdry than it would at first appear, as what I am actually addicted to is a jewellery shopping channel called Gems TV. It’s absolutely shameful. For those with digital it’s channels 646 and 660. You know something? I didn’t even have to check those numbers, I just know them. I probably don’t even know my own mobile number but I know those numbers.

Gems TV is at first hilarious, then you get used to it and then, you actually begin to have a fondness for the presenters. You have your favourites and you actually start to enjoy the chat between items and the gems related banter. Many of the presenters are female, which I guess makes sense given it is mostly ladies jewellery on sale. However, there are also a few male presenters. There’s nothing like seeing a delicate sapphire and diamond ring glinting in the studio lights, nestled on the large hairy knuckled finger of a balding man to make you think, “I have to have that!” My Gems TV presenter of choice is Craig. He’s an ex Butlins cheeky chappie and really he should be diverting his career into something more manly, but by god what that man doesn’t know about tanzanite and aquamarines!

The channel had “celebrity” presenters at Christmas by the way. The only one I caught was big gay Richard from Big Brother. Remember him, the muscle bound Village People reject from Canada? He looked uncomfortable the whole time he was on screen. He was probably dying inside….

Oh but the jewellery! To be honest,most of it wouldn’t look out of place on your Mum’s friends’ fat wrists and fingers, but for those that are loyal viewers there’s that diamond in the rough, that spark of gold in the bag of shite, that pearl in the shell. Literally. The deal is this. The jewellery starts off at a ridiculous price, lulling you into a belief that it is actually worth the high price but quickly it PRICE CRASHES and you get a endorphin fueled gambler’s rush.

“Oh my god that aquamarine ring has just gone from £24,000 to £450! Not buying it would be criminal!!” , you shriek as the presenter manipulates the gems delectably on their finger, catching the studio lights and talking about “brilliance” and “lustre”- words that have now worked their way into your every day vocabulary.

Now, you have to be quick on that phone as there are only a LIMITED amount of these items (yeah, sure- they come over in 5 ton shipping containers from the Third World) so,

“You’ve got to be quick to get in the game”, the presenter warns.

Yes, they call each sale of a piece of jewellery a “game”. This is to you fool you into thinking that what you are indulging in is not shopping, but some harmless fun. It also appeals to gambling addicts. The presenter will actually sometimes shout at the end of a sale, “That was a great game, well done!”

It’s like there was actually some skill in picking up the phone and reading out your credit card number to a call centre operative. Acquiring a piece of jewelry is called “Snatching” and the presenter may also exclaim,

“Well snatched!”

or

“That was a terrific snatch!”.

It took me about two weeks to stop laughing every time I heard that.
The whole “game” is presented as if viewers have a tactic.

“Ooh! That was well snatched by Linda in Coventry who came up stealthily on the outside lane, elbowing out former champion, Sandra from Hastings out to the way, and weaving her way thought her opponents and with great skill plucked that moonstone pendant from the fat grasping hands of young pretender Elaine from Darlington to win the game. Well snatched!”
It’s like Quidditch! Only with velour tracksuited, shopping channel addicted, Barclaycard wielding, Hob Nob munching, bored housewives instead of novice wizards, on pistachio coloured leather armchairs in stead of broomsticks. How far am I going to take this? OK, I’ll stop now.

So have I actually snatched? Yes three times. What a rush! Not too bad, considering I could easily be the Mr T of Skid Row sitting in a cardboard box with all my bling on, and nothing else to my name. Hey, but I could stop any time I wanted, OK?

Anyway, got to go, “Bracelet Hour” starts in two minutes!

March 8, 2007. annoying advertisments television, gems, jewelry, lifestyle, shopping, women. Leave a comment.