Your leisure is my pleasure

They breed them young. Just like Hitler with his Hitler Youth, they are young impressionable beasts, lured by the power giving properties of a whistle and total authoritaa over all you survey. Their unquestioning adoption and the fierce enforcement of ridiculously draconian rules is part of the code they live by. They are the swimming pool attendants that ruined our son’s birthday.

Actually they are the swimming pool attendants that ruin every trip anyone in the UK has to any swimming pool ever. They are bred in pods and then released into leisure centres fully formed.

Remember that old sign that had what you can’t do in a swimming pool. (Look above, I found it on tinternet! God Bless Google Images)

1. No petting: Everyone’s favourite. What is petting? No-one really knew. Except your older friend who would give you some explanation that confused you more.

Is it kissing? Is it touching stuff underneath trunks/bathing suit? Is it full on intercourse (not easy in chlorinated water- may necessitate trip to doctors afterwards) Anyway, picture of middle aged chest wig bearing man chatting up busty blonde bimbo beside pool would put anyone off whatever petting was anyway. If that’s petting I want none of it. Source of much conversation as a pool going pre-pubescent.

2. No bombing- Aww, why not. Bombing is fun!
3. No ducking- tell that to the teenage lads that use that as a courting technique.
4. No acrobatics- are you kidding, I’m barely managing to keep afloat, never mind do twirly stuff.
   
5. No running- you may actually enjoy yourself
6. No smoking- but surely that’s why middle aged woman swim with their heads held firmly above water. So as not to extinguish their lit fags.
7. No shouting. So if drowning and trying to attract attention of potential lifesavers, do it quietly, eh?
8. No pushing. What? This was the fathers’ preferred method of getting their kid to learn to swim.
   

“Just chuck him in the deep end. He’ll soon learn. Worked for me and my father before me” .
“Didn’t your father have an irrational fear of water and eventually drown in the one meter deep duck pond?”
“Just get in the pool, son” *PUSH*

9. No toilet. Hands up who has never peed in the pool! Thought so.

When our new school was built there was much excitement. Over the fact that we now had a swimming pool. There was a rumour that if you peed in the pool a red-ring would form around you, identifying you to the swimming pool attendant.

My mate Deborah asked our PE teacher in all seriousness. “Miss. If that red ring appears, and you swim away, does it follow you?”

10. No food. After taking the superb fat busting cardio-vascular exercise of swimming our café will redress the balance by offering a range of high fat, high carbohydrate, processed and deep fried food, with no healthy alternatives available despite this being a fitness centre.

Well, now in the 21st Century the rules would be the following:

1. No unapproved swimming aids (only those bought at our shop will be permitted)
   
2. No cameras- swimming pools are a well known primary source of child pornography. Fact.
   
3. No single men wearing raincoats in the spectators’ area. See above.
4. No un-authorised fun of any kind. Those wanting to have fun will have to apply in writing at least 30 days in advance.
5. No diving or showing off of any water based skills in any way. Even on a diving board. Diving boards will be closed anyway as councillors have deemed them too dangerous. But we’ll not remove them, just to annoy you.
   
6. No swimming except in roped off lanes which necessitate an elaborate queuing and ticketing system
7. No spontaneous fun of any kind. This may cause a breach of ridiculous Health and Safety rules
8. No laughing. Smiling will only be tolerated in certain areas.
9. No untamed pubic hair.
10. No opposite sex “petting” however same sex petting is overlooked as the council has an equal opportunities policy.

Still, a day at the swimming pool has it advantages. One single trip will revive your marriage/partnership no end. Simply look around at the other naked male specimens and you will quickly find your chosen partner more attractive than you ever have.* I am assured by my husband that this also works for men.

Happy bathing and remember: NO ENJOYING YOURSELF!

* Only applies in Scotland. Do NOT try in Italy.

May 6, 2007. fascists, leisure, petting, pool, rules, swimming. Leave a comment.