Someone Left the Cake Out in the Rain
“Misssy didn’t make this, did she?”
If there’s one thing I am really rubbish at, it’s baking. OK, there are a few more. I am also rubbish at maths but goddamn it, maths isn’t important, but cakes clearly are.
Someone’s mother brought cakes into our office on Monday and they were so amazing that I have been trying to replicate them ever since. Trouble is, this woman is clearly a baking goddess who has little fairies to help her and I am the baking equivalent of one of those contestants on X Factor that you wonder if they have escaped from a secure facility.
Yet, I can cook reasonably well so why do my cakes infringe the laws of public decency? I must ooze some kind of pheromone chemical that makes cake batter refuse to rise, meringues turn into cavity wall insulation and pancakes stick to the bottom of the pan and look like discarded Nicorette patches.
Last night as I contemplated my latest disaster that the dog wouldn’t even eat (in the past the dog has eaten a skiddy pair of toddler pants, cat shit and a box of Tampax *, to put this snub into perspective). I became troubled by this. Why can’t I make a flipping cake? I am forty and the mother of two children, what the hell is wrong with me? What do I have to do? Join a bowling green or a Women’s Institute for the cake making gene in me to be activated?
I have resolved to rectify the situation and tonight I will address all the things that I fear may be impeding my lack of success in the cake and confectionery department.
They are:
- Remove six year old girl who wants to help and who may add stuff to the bowl when my back is turned. Including possible bogey.
- Use an actual recipe rather than a vague memory of seeing Nigella doing “something similar” on a TV programme watched over two years ago whilst two Chardonnays in.
- Weigh each ingredient in accordance with instructions rather than using my severely challenged mathematical skills to calculate amount based on the total weight on the packet and the size of spoon I am using to relocate ingredient from packet to bowl. Or simply emptying drifts of stuff in and stirring til it looks like cake mix like you remember seeing your mum make.
- Stop substituting ingredients in recipe for things that are fairly similar. “It says Bicarbonate of Soda here. That’s just salt really isn’t it?That much I remember from chemistry class…” or “Cinnamon? Don’t have any. But I do have nutmeg. That’s just a poor man’s cinnamon, isn’t it? A grater, you say? What on earth for?” (plop!)
- Arguing with recipes. “One and a half hours at 100C?? Sod that, I’m off to bed in an hour I’ll just pump the heat up to 200C and it’ll be done in half the time.”
Results will be raffled off.
*Although not all on the same plate, to be fair.
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