The Dawning of a New Order
We’ve reached a watershed moment in the house of the Flying Martinis. We’ve realised that we maybe don’t have enough discipline with the kids and here’s a list of what Indy and Junior MisssyM do that have made us come to that conclusion. Once you’ve read the lists you’ll agree it’s time for Misssy and Meeester M to get tough.
Let’s take Indy first.
Indy
1. Indy is a soap dodger; he hates washing. He lies about washing. Says he has washed but turns tap for sound effect only.
2. He also lies about brushing his teeth. Says he’s brushed but turns on tap and electric toothbrush for sound effects only.
3. Just about the only chore Indy has is to clear dinner table, but has to be asked at least five times and threatened with stuff every night before he actually does it. Last night I threatened to move in with him when I was an old lady.
4. Indy lies about having homework. Will rustle paper in manner of one who is doing homework. Is hoping parents will forget to check homework and he will get away with it.
5.Is asked to tidy room and will kick mess under his bed or stuff in laundry basket and then play Nintendo for half an hour. Fifteen year old cat Harleyboy built a nest under Indy’s bed recently. He may even have hatched some chicks.
6. Will drop coat, bag, shoes in piles outside front door. If we are lucky he will drop them inside, meaning that they won’t get rained/snowed on. But only if we’re very lucky. We came back from Glasgow on Sunday to find his jacket lying on the driveway. It had been there since Friday.
7. Indy has been caught putting jammies on over school shirt so that he doesn’t have to get dressed in the morning (apparently Meesestermartin and twin sister did this once too when they were Indy’s age. I knew it! Proof positive the Martin gene is responsible)
Jnr Misssy
1. Has screaming fit every night when the words “Bed time” are mentioned.
2. Wants mum to sit on her bed with her and hold her hand before she falls asleep every night. Never falls asleep until the first ten minutes of CSI are over, rendering the rest of the episode useless to Horatio/Grissom loving Mum when she eventually makes it back downstairs.
3. Will wake up and shriek if Mum leaves room before that ten minute period is over.
4. Won’t let Mum brush her teeth for her without big fight. “I’ll do it myself” she’ll wail.
In fact, take this phrase and apply it to anything Mum does for her, particularly involving pouring large heavy bottles of milk into small cereal bowls, brushing hair, or zipping anything up.
In short, anything that she can’t really do yet and will make a mess of until mum helps her is fair game for this kind of nonsense.
5. Sneaks into parents’ bed every night. Sometimes to pee on them.
6. Will not go to toilet on her own. The scenario is the same every time:
JNR Miss: “Mummy I need the toilet. Will you help myself?”
MisssyM: “C’mon, you’re a big girl. Go yourself.”
Jnr: “But will you help myself?”
MM: But you go on your own at nursery and C’s *”
Jnr “But will you help myself?”
MM: “Jnr Misssy, get up those stairs and go yourself! I’m in the middle of something**”
Jnr “But I neeeeeeed you!”
Misssy grabs Jnr’s hand and hauls her up the stairs grumbling under breath.
The pair go into toilet and Jnr Misssy shouts as Mum starts to “help herself” , “I can do it myself!!”
Small aneurism forms in MisssyM’s brain.
7. Screams “Arghhh Tuggy! Tuggy!” hysterically as soon as MisssyM even takes the hairbrush out of her handbag. You don’t even want to know what goes on as the brush actually touches her head.
8.Waits til Misssym sits down with anything to eat and either asks for “A snack” or eats half of what MisssyM is eating. No wonder I’m thin.
9. Waits til Misssym sits down with anything to drink and either asks for “A drink” or drinks half of what MisssyM is drinking. No wonder I’m dehydrated.
10. Will run from anywhere in house or garden if anyone switches “Nick Junior” to a different TV channel bawling, “But I was watching tha-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-at! Sob!”
So before we have to get that SuperNanny woman in we’re going all draconian on their asses. Rest assured, I’ll let you know how that goes. Meanwhile any advice or any lion taming gear much appreciated.
* C is jnr Misssy’s childminder. Poor cow.
** Writing blogs, eating crisps, putting on nail varnish.
