When’s My Shower Scene?
King of the Corporate Cocks
The thing about being a corporate cock sucker* for a living is the corporate cocks are, as the name suggests….cocks.
This is the one fundamental thing about working life that I will never be able to get over. Shame really, or else working would be unremittingly fab!
My particular field is loosely coined as the visual arts. But not the type that allows you to drunkenly dribble paint over a canvas, ride a bike through it, fling some dog poo at it with a catapult and win you prizes and slots on “The Culture Show”.
No, I produce and direct corporate telly; the bastard child of television.
I make programmes that are used in the workplace or are used to sell stuff to folk. I didn’t really mean to get into this…but it keeps me from having to become a customer of unsecured loans endorsed by Carol Vorderman.
My brother does the same thing, but he does it down in London dealing with marginally larger cocks than I. We recently had a long discussion on a London bus about things that upset us about our paymasters.
They would be funny, if they weren’t true.
The Boss Is Really Good on Camera
All too often, I’ll be scripting a programme for a client and someone will pipe up in a meeting, “Oh we should get Bossman ZeroCharisma to present! He’s very good!”
I have to physically restrain my eyes from rolling heavenward by sticking my fingernails into them. A huge sigh will have to stifled and redirected into my digestive system to be recycled into a fart that I will do in the client’s lift later on, seconds before someone gets in the lift with me.
Compare and contrast my two replies to this suggestion and guess which one goes live out of my mouth and which one festers in my brain unsaid contributing to an aneurysm I’ve got brewing.
Option A: “If you force me to put some John Majoresque phelgmy-voiced rabbit caught-in-the-headlights dickhead with a personality by-pass and dandruff in my programme, I will have to run at you with a javelin for the good of mankind.”
Option B: “ I have nothing against Bossman Zero Charisma being in the programme as an interviewee, but you must always bear in mind that no matter how good Mr Zerocharisma is at public speaking, presenting a television programme is a skill that few untrained people have naturally. I think it would put unnecessary stress on Mr Zerocharisma and may compromise the quality of the final product. I think we should stick with the professional presenter we’ve got lined up. With all due respect. ”
If this doesn’t work, I have the Holy Grail of replies in reserve , “Bossman will take longer to get it right as he may need many takes, I’ll need a bigger budget.”
Works like a charm, that one.
Steve from Marketing is a whizz with the video camera
These chumps are spending £50K on a training video that is professionally shot and edited to standards as high, if not higher, than most broadcast television. So, why oh bloody why does the client think that I would want pour a bucket of rancid pigshit all over the finished programme by including some shaky-cam VHS footage that Steve-from-Marketing shot whilst clearly suffering from a stroke?
Hey Misssy, when’s my shower scene?
There are common phrases that people I come across during my job say to me like it’s the first time I’ve ever heard them. Problem is, these people are paying you, so you can’t respond to them like they are annoying drunks that accost you in a nightclub.
You must chuckle as if it is indeed the first time you have ever heard the following laughsome nuggets:
“Hey Misssy, I’m not doing my interview ’til I’ve seen my trailer! Hehehehehe!”
Hey Misssy, when’s my shower scene? Hehehehehehe!”
(Shouted to the bloke you’re filming by a workmate), “Hoi Jim, you’ll be getting your Equity card next! Hehehehehe!” (Much laughter from both parties)
“Hey Misssy, does your wee dog bite?” (gesturing to the furry windshield for the mic)
Oh is it a boom mic or a flipping Shitzu? (Wankers…)
“Hey Misssy, I’m a bit of a dab hand with the old video camera myself, would you like a look at my home movies? Hehehehehe!”
“Hey Misssy, any chance of borrowing that camera for the weekend. If you know what I mean..hehehehe!”
“Hey, Mrs Spielberg! Hehehehe!” (You can insert alternative well known director’s name here. But never a female one, as corporate cocks are unaware of the existence of any. It seems to matter not that the actual Mrs Spielberg is, in fact, a second rate actress last seen ruining her husband’s second Indiana Jones film)
Kate Capshaw (or Mrs Spielberg). Married Stevie for his looks and personality apparently
Using technical jargon like a pro
Watching the Director’s Commentary on your bloody Die Hard DVD does not make you an expert, mate.
Nothing makes me cringe more than a client trying to look cool by using supposed industry jargon like:
“It’s a wrap!”
or,
“Action!”
But my absolute opposite-of-favourite is the one where a client will shout “Cut!” when actually being the Director of the shoot, it’s my flipping job to tell the cameraman when to stop recording. I have felt my trigger finger twitching on many occasion when this has happened.
I tell you, even if handguns become legalised in this country, never let me have one, OK?
Another gem is when your client repeatedly offers to carry the camera so that he can look cool in front of his mates. Always decline, but give him the innocuous and extremely heavy lighting kit to carry instead. Ha! Sucker!
To round off my assault on the people that pay my wages, I have to say that I would love, love love to show you a collection of the worst instances of clients on camera, but I’ve still got 12 years left to run on my mortgage so you’ll have to wait til 2020 or until I win those EuroMillions.
Whichever is the sooner….
(I’d love to hear your corporate cocksucking stories, by the way…but not the literal kind, if that’s alright with you.)
* it’s a METAPHOR, a METAPHOR, I tell you! (Ok, a metaphor largely borrowed from Bill Hicks…but I’m sure he won’t mind…anymore)
