A public service announcement for dogs
Cage: “I did not steal that dog!”
My favourite story of the week concerns the successful litigation by actor Nicolas Cage over allegations in an interview in the Daily Mail with former “When Peggy Sue Got Married” co-star, Kathleen Turner.
Ms Turner’s allegations* were,
Chihuahua: Can easily fit in a pocket(but you can just tell from his eyes that he’d poo in it)
There is so much about this story that makes me laugh. But is this the tip of the iceberg, though?
Are we to be treated to stories of Kevin Spacey half inching a Lhasa Apso on his many walks through Clapham Common after the Old Vic closes its doors at night?
Does that rat that Britney Spears insists on carry actually belong to the bereft residents of a local old folk’s home she woke up in after mistaking it for her house after a night out?
Are the Queen’s Corgis really hers and hers alone? Well, are they? Has anyone actually seen the registration papers???
What basis do I have for an epidemic of celebrity dog snatching behaviour? Well, I’m glad you asked me that.
Yesterday me and Sonny, the Black Menace, were taking a stroll on Aberdeen Beach. We were not on the sand two minutes when the gamboling spaniel was accosted by a loud booming and very jovial Simon Callow.
“He-ellloo there!” bellowed Four Weddings and Funeral star, Callow, wearing a roomy (Ah-Hah!), black coat reaching down to fuss over the fast approaching innocent pup.
He nearly had him away too, the thespian blighter!
“Unhand him, you National Treasure!” I shrieked at the beloved actor , “You may currently be appearing to great acclaim in Equus at His Majesty’s Theatre, Aberdeen, and have delighted audiences with your darling portrayal of Charles Dickens in the second series of Doctor Who, but NONE of that gives you the right to make off with my dog!”
And off he scarpered, eyeing a couple of Yorkshire Terriers across the sands.
Simon eyes up K9, stage right.
True.**
*Can’t anyone tell funny anecdotes anymore? Are we to be to be spared stories of Michael Douglas walking about like a monkey with his undies wedged up his bum crack for the delight and amusement of the “Romancing the Stone” cast and crew, for fear of litigation?? I fear so.
** We did meet Mr Callow. No, we did! Ask my dog! (He did not try to steal Sonny, he just gave him a friendly pat and seemed like a nice bloke who wouldn’t dream of nicking anyone’s pet.)
Sonny the dog, in an ebullient mood, yesterdayThere is Nothing New Under the Sun
Here’s today’s pic- it’s me stuck under the Flying Martini pant mountainand has no relevance to this post whatsoever
This is a lovely thing. Click on it and have a look.
It’s a website that has a little three wheeled contraption that will generate a little three word idea.
It was sent to me by someone who obviously :
1. …thought the Misssives were needing a bit of help.
2. …thought the Misssives weren’t surreal enough
3. …thought it would be fun to see me sweat a bit
4. …is a bastard
This person challenged me to write a post on the first thing that came up. So thank you for that.
So what came up?
I quite like this already and will stew over it for the next wee while thinking of something suitable to write. Maybe something that involves Katie Melua. So take this post as a little herald/warning that in the next 24 hours there will be a Misssives post entitled, “The Funny Torture Concept”.
I’m not one for the meme, so I’m not going to go down that route, but if any of my regular readers or random visitors would like to join me in writing a post based on the first thing the random idea generator comes up with, then I’d love to know about it. The comment box, as always is your combined green room, frozen garret and therapy couch; let me know there.
And since I’m writing a meaningless little navel gazing post, can I also take this opportunity to wantonly whore the People Who Don’t Blog …But Should site.
About six eejits (including me) randomly post fake celeb blogs and they are usually screamingly funny*.
This week Kayessjakkay posted as Richard Madely, and one regular reader had to be rushed to hospital after spraining a lung from laughing so much.
There’s also a poll to allow readers to choose whose blog they’d most like to read next: this week our lovely contestants are former dictators. Personally I think it’s better than PopBitch, Go Fug Yourself and the Daily Telegraph all crammed together in an elevator.
Whoring over. For now.
*The People Who Don’t Blog…But Should team accept no responsibility for people who have yet to laugh or scream. It’s your own fault and there’s clearly something wrong with you.
Teenage Kicks
I have found a wonderful piece of Misssy history in the basement. Wonderful yet embarrassing.
From about the age of fourteen I kept a A4 lined sheet of paper on which I would record my Top Ten Men. I maintained it for about six years. It is comedy gold.
Some of the entries make me wonder what the blazes I was on.
Like in 1983, Nick Rhodes from Duran Duran set the adolescent Misssy heart racing. But Nick Rhodes is practically a lady-boy, so I don’t get that. This information would add fuel to the flames of the growing theory my token gay mate, Mr McC, has about me being a closet lesbian (in a see-though attempt to get me to give up my husband). His theory is based on me admitting I practised a kiss on my mate G at 12 and that I cried at “Brokeback Mountain”. Me being in love with someone who looked like Toyah would delight him.
The next year I seem to come to my senses and promote John Taylor from Duran Duran to the top of the league relegating Nick to 7th place. Much better. Any 15 year old girl not in love with John Taylor at that time would really need to be taken to a doctor to get checked out.
Oooh even now…even now…
A constant throughout is Sting, yet these days I feel able to lambast the former object of my affection on Celebrity Litigation (my other, funnier blog) with ease. It’s taken me this long to realise Sting is an arse. Still, drummer Stewart Copeland seems to always feature in the lists too, and I still would.
But just look at him in the seventies, he wasn’t an arse yet!
I have a fleeting two year dalliance with Dave Gahan from Depeche Mode and then the year after I’m all about the Smiths with Morrissey and Johnny Marr tussling over me in the top two.
This is about the time I started going to gigs and my lust coincides with going to see Depeche Mode and the Smiths live, I reckon. I tell you, that Dave Gahan might have been a smackhead but boy can that man move.
Dave regretting not running off with the sixteen year old Missy when he had the chance
Moving onto the University years I’m all excited about the more dangerous type with Anthony Keidis from the Chilli Peppers, Ian Astbury from the Cult and Peter Murphy from Bauhaus all featuring. But there’s a surprise entry from Robert Smith of The Cure who I must say I would definitely laugh at naked, so I can only assume I wrote that entry drunk.
But naked?
However one person who wasn’t on the list was my first love who featured in my dreams much earlier in my life; Donny Osmond. He was on telly last night being interviewed by Piers Morgan. I wonder how many other women of my age tuned in last night?
Sigh!
A phenomenon in his day, but imagine trying to market the young Donny to today’s teens?
Faceless music industry type: “OK sell this kid to me”
Donny’s Manager: “Well, he’s a teenager, former child star, worked in variety, doesn’t drink, lives with his parents, doesn’t believe in sex before marriage, has a variety show with his kid sister, is a Mormon…Hello, hello are you still there? Hello?”
Mind you I went all funny last night when they played a wee snippet with him leaping about to “Crazy Horses”. Much to the delight of Meeester who took the piss out of me in the same way he probably did his sisters back in the day.
Still it could have been worse, I could have been born five years later like my sister, who has to own up to having posters of Shakin’ Stevens all over her bedroom…
You’re not going to live that down, are you? Well not if I’ve got anything to do with it.
Shaky: Wrong…just plain wrong Just Call Me Joseph
to
A quick post to let you know that this weekend I’ve agreed to blogsit.
Joseph of “Don’t Call Me Joe” is away and I’ve volunteered to fill in for him til he gets back next week.
I know, it’s a bit weird, but I’ve just posted over there this minute on his patch.
Follow me over and comment as you would if you were on the Misssives. But don’t spill anything on the carpet or he’ll be cross.
Joseph is also one of the contributors to Celebrity Litigation, which is going great guns. Might not have mentioned that before…
