The Dam Busters
Misssy Anne Frank: Holland’s most popular lady, and for good reason.
What do you call a woman that goes to Amsterdam twice in her life and manages to see NOTHING?
You call her Misssy M.
The first time I went I was sixteen. Here’s a checklist of what I saw back in 1985.
>Rijksmuseum- Nope
>Red Light District- Nope
>Van Gogh Museum- Nope
>Ann Frank’s House- Nope
>Rembrandt’s House- Nope
>Inside of a Brown Café- Nope. The very thought!
>Sex Museum- Nope. The very thought!
For the life of me I don’t know what the hell me and my two mates did when we were there. I did put on a stone in weight that holiday so I can only suggest that we went to Amsterdam and ate our way through it.
Yesterday I returned to the Dam but with the Flying Martinis in tow. We left the campsite a little late (as is our wont) and arrived in the Dam proper at 2.30pm. Here’s our exciting itinerary. You may want to cut and paste it into your travel plans so that you can avoid repeating our Amsterdisaster:
2pm: Arrive in Transferium- Amsterdam’s Park and Ride. So far, so good. We’ve not ended up in Germany by mistake. Bit later than planned though.
2.30pm: Arrive via Metro in the Dam proper. Misssy’s realises she’s not eaten anything all day and that’s why she’s been shouting at Meeester for asking for directions when Misssy has a perfectly good map in front of her. (I, like my father before me, never ask for directions or use the printed instructions in any piece of equipment or flat pack furniture. It’s a matter of principle)
3.30pm: We’ve eaten and Misssy is now behaving in a vaguely human manner. Off to the Canal Bus, the hop on/hop off canal boat that takes you to 12 stops around the Dam’s many canals, allowing one to see all attractions. 60 Euros, you say? Well for 60 Euros I’d like to….no, I’m not going there again….
3.45pm: We board the Green Line Canal Bus with the smiling battered faced driver who welcomes us and several Italians onto his vessel. We wait on the stationary boat.
3.55pm: Smiling battered faced driver says, “This service is finished!” and ushers us all off the boat. His would-be passengers look at each other as if to say, “WTF?” and disembark.
4pm: Meeester reads the leaflet for the Canal Bus, “Misssy M, do you realise that the Canal Bus service stops running about 6.30pm?”
“60 Euros? For 60 Euros I want a Canal Bus day pass to not be sold to me by a woman who clearly knew it would only be of use for 3 hours!” Misssy means to say but her swear filters are not engaged, and what comes out is not suitable for a family blog.
4.05pm: We decide our best course of action is to get to the Anne Frank Huis, Misssy will need to see the Van Gogh and Rijks Museums another time, if she ever makes it back. Misssy blubs. Misssy likes museums more than whiskers on kittens. And warm woollen mittens, come to that.
4.15pm: We board the new Greenline Canal Bus.
4.30pm: We realise the Greenline Canal Bus doesn’t go past Anne Frank’s Huis.
4.35pm: We get off at the Amstel stop and wait for the Red Line Canal Bus. We drink expensive drinks in a café nearby whilst we wait. Junior Misssy is having a carry on and upends the table sending all drinks over Meeester. Misssy manages to rescue her own beer from spillage. Dancer! Meeester now looks like he’s pissed himself.
5.30pm: We make our way to Anne Frank’s Huis. We have an hour until the last Canal Bus. We aim to run round the Secret Annex in 50 mins , teaching our kids about racial and religious tolerance and learning big lessons from history in double quick time.
5.35pm: We arrive at Anne Frank’s Huis to see this human conga line:
And… Swear Filter Engage!
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Oh! I nearly forgot about the Slightly Rude Sign of the Day! Let’s face it, that’s why everyone is popping over to the Misssives these days, isn’t it? (Can I also just say, please don’t expect the same kind of treat when I’m back home. Much more difficult. Although I have seen a road sign in Cornwall with the place name “Cocks” on it.)
Anyway, this one comes from the “Does what it says on the tin” school of branding. Now everyone knows what bathroom “furniture” is for, but wouldn’t “Bathroom World” have been a bit nicer?
