Leading Men
Insert caption about Ben Fogel attracting dogs here
Apparently in London there is a company which has been set up to allow the good dogless citizens of the UK capital access to a dog by the hour. This dog rental system, Flexpetz, is apparently doing rather well and is set to be rolled out nationwide in the near future.
The idea of setting up a business hiring a range of dogs out to petless city dwellers in need of some doggy affection for an hour or two is one I’d like to see the Business Plan for, if not the reaction on the bank manager’s face when the proposal was put forward. How can this bizarre idea be a success?
Yet,the more I think about it, I can kind of see the reasoning behind it.
Surely this idea must be borne out of the various research that leads blokes to think that they might meet women in parks if they have an adorable dog attached to them. Perhaps they have tried hanging around in parks without a dog and have been upset at the results, as being dogless in a London park will result in one of the following:
- Tory MPs, Kevin Spacey or George Michael inviting you to their country cottages.
- Women slapping your face as you misguidedly act like Benny Hill.
- Men with matted hair, Scottish accents and choice breath wanting to be your “besshhht mate”.
Get yourself a cute dog and you can’t fail but to make congress with other dog owners. Get a puppy and you can just stand still as the ladies flock to you in vast numbers. It’s simple. All you need are some poop bags, a winsome smile and business cards printed with your mobile number on and you are set.
Other reasons for renting a dog for an hour is to remind yourself what a pain in the arse dogs are. It strikes me that people may rent their spouse or their child a dog for an hour if they show any signs of wanting one full time, on a permanent basis. I am, of course, offering my own dog up for this purpose. One hour with Sonny, the Black Menace, is the equivalent of the old draconian method fathers used to use to put their sons off smoking. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, it involves sitting your boy down and making him smoke a packet of twenty in one go. Sonny is the equivalent of a pack of Capstan Full Strength in that regard. You’ll be settling for a goldfish in no time.
In a similar vein, broody girlfriends and wives unsure of their partner’s parenting potential may rent a dog for the hour to test their man’s skills in looking after an animate object. And since you can’t rent kids by the hour as that’s a bit flippin’ dodgy, and generally frowned upon, dogs are the next best thing. If the man comes back with the dog alive…. Scratch that…if the man comes back with the dog at all after an hour, you’ve got a good basis for starting a family. If the dog has been left outside a pub and it takes your man until bedtime to remember about it, you either need to go without babies or get a new prospective father.
Meanwhile, in these troubled times, where gangs of hoodies roam the streets, certain types of dogs may be available to help you make the walk home safely and without incident. If the dog rental system hasn’t cottoned onto this, then they are surely missing a trick. Walking down Dalston high street with a snarling Rottweiler called Genghis, may mean that you need not fear for your life.
However, some inner city ghettos may prove tough even for the snarliest of hired-gun canines. Might I suggest the development of the Wild Boar Unit or a Tiger Division; a division for which my gorgeous husband surely is the poster boy.
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The Funny Torture Concept (TM)
The following scene takes place in the Business Start Up Office of the Royal Bank of Scotland.
Misssy is greeted by a young smart young woman in a dark grey trouser suit.
Bank lady: “Hello Misssy M. Now, how can I help you?”
Misssy: “Well, the reason I’ve asked for this appointment is because I have put together a Business Plan that I would like you to look over for me. Obviously with a view to lending me the start up capital.”
Bank Lady: “Oh yes, is that it there.” (Reaches for portfolio on desk)
Misssy: “Yes, I’ve taken the liberty of printing you a copy. As you’ll see from the front page it’s called the Funny Torture Concept.”
BL: “Yes?”
Misssy: “It’s a working title, I’ll come up with something a bit more zingy later.”
BL: “Okay, I’m intrigued Misssy M. If you could just break down the general idea for me..”
Misssy: “Okay, it’s a bespoke service for the person who has everything really. Have you heard of the Red Letter Day gift service?”
BL: “Yes, that’s the thing where you get once in a lifetime gift experience, isn’t it? It’s not one of those is it, because the market is pretty saturated. Personally I’d rather have gift vouchers”
Misssy: “I agree, there are too many of them. Who wants to go on a balloon ride, anyway? Mine’s different. It’s gifts for people you don’t like.”
BL: “Hmmm…interesting. Go on.”
Misssy: “Well, let me rephrase that. It’s gifts for people you actively want to torture. And it’s anonymous. The recipient doesn’t know they are being targeted and doesn’t link the incident with the gift bearer. But this is the best part. What we do is we video the results and send it to the gift bearer so that they can see the look on the faces of the recipient.”
BL: “Give me an example.”
Misssy: “Of course. Let’s look at Case Study Three on Page 5 of the portfolio. You want sweet revenge on the guy who dumped you, but you don’t want him to know that you’re that bothered by his letting you go. You could go with the old favourite of sowing grass seed on his carpet when he’s on holiday, watering the lot and cranking up his central heating.”
BL: “A revenge classic”
Misssy: “Yes. But with our service you get to see what a holy fuss he makes when he walks in the door to discover he has a living room lawn on his return. But we can also go that step further. Has he an allergy perhaps, does he have a phobia, a traumatic childhood memory? The list is endless. It’s bespoke, we can do anything. It’s that personal touch that is going to be our Unique Selling Point”
BL: “I see, but one thing is bothering me. Isn’t this, well… illegal?”
Misssy: “No, it’s anonymous, untraceable and non-violent. You could simply want a dog turd strategically placed on the front step of the home of an enemy. Where’s the harm?”
BL: “But what would be an example of something more severe? I mean you do mention torture….”
Misssy: “I’m glad you asked me that. We have a Gold Service that goes that extra mile. It costs more, but I feel there is a market. For example, we’ve an existing client who was sexually harassed by an ex-boss. She had to leave the company rather than be dragged through the courts.
Understandably, she didn’t want to let him away with it. We placed a honey trap in a bar he frequents. He went for it hook, line and sinker.
Initially, she went for the straightforward get-him-naked-handcuff-him-to-the-bed
-phone-his-missus package. But on reflection, she figured his poor wife should be spared what she probably already knew. Why torture the wife?”
BL: “Exactly.”
Misssy: “So she upgraded. Instead our operative handcuffed him naked to the outside railing of a Russian trawler. We’ve got a video of him being taken into custody in Vladivostok. He apparently had frostbite on his extremities… You may have also seen footage on Sky News. My client was delighted.”
BL: (Standing up) “Well, Misssy, I think I’ve heard enough. I’ll have my decision with you in writing by tomorrow.”
Misssy: (surprised) “Oh, don’t you want to know anymore?Figures… projections?”
BL: “Well, there’s just one more thing…”
Misssy: “Fire away”
BL: “Will you give me a discount?”
* For those of you who think I’ve lost my marbles please read this post. It’ll explain everything…
