Gill’s Addiction
What is the point of a blog if it’s not confessional? Those who have read my profile and other blogs probably know too much about me anyway, so what is there left to lose? My confession is this; I have turned into Elizabeth Taylor and I am not sure when it happened. No, I haven’t started hanging out with Michael Jackson and wearing kaftans; it’s just that I am addicted to gems, jewels, jewellery, and general expensive shiny sparkly stuff.
Actually my addiction is far more tawdry than it would at first appear, as what I am actually addicted to is a jewellery shopping channel called Gems TV. It’s absolutely shameful. For those with digital it’s channels 646 and 660. You know something? I didn’t even have to check those numbers, I just know them. I probably don’t even know my own mobile number but I know those numbers.
Gems TV is at first hilarious, then you get used to it and then, you actually begin to have a fondness for the presenters. You have your favourites and you actually start to enjoy the chat between items and the gems related banter. Many of the presenters are female, which I guess makes sense given it is mostly ladies jewellery on sale. However, there are also a few male presenters. There’s nothing like seeing a delicate sapphire and diamond ring glinting in the studio lights, nestled on the large hairy knuckled finger of a balding man to make you think, “I have to have that!” My Gems TV presenter of choice is Craig. He’s an ex Butlins cheeky chappie and really he should be diverting his career into something more manly, but by god what that man doesn’t know about tanzanite and aquamarines!
The channel had “celebrity” presenters at Christmas by the way. The only one I caught was big gay Richard from Big Brother. Remember him, the muscle bound Village People reject from Canada? He looked uncomfortable the whole time he was on screen. He was probably dying inside….
Oh but the jewellery! To be honest,most of it wouldn’t look out of place on your Mum’s friends’ fat wrists and fingers, but for those that are loyal viewers there’s that diamond in the rough, that spark of gold in the bag of shite, that pearl in the shell. Literally. The deal is this. The jewellery starts off at a ridiculous price, lulling you into a belief that it is actually worth the high price but quickly it PRICE CRASHES and you get a endorphin fueled gambler’s rush.
“Oh my god that aquamarine ring has just gone from £24,000 to £450! Not buying it would be criminal!!” , you shriek as the presenter manipulates the gems delectably on their finger, catching the studio lights and talking about “brilliance” and “lustre”- words that have now worked their way into your every day vocabulary.
Now, you have to be quick on that phone as there are only a LIMITED amount of these items (yeah, sure- they come over in 5 ton shipping containers from the Third World) so,
“You’ve got to be quick to get in the game”, the presenter warns.
Yes, they call each sale of a piece of jewellery a “game”. This is to you fool you into thinking that what you are indulging in is not shopping, but some harmless fun. It also appeals to gambling addicts. The presenter will actually sometimes shout at the end of a sale, “That was a great game, well done!”
It’s like there was actually some skill in picking up the phone and reading out your credit card number to a call centre operative. Acquiring a piece of jewelry is called “Snatching” and the presenter may also exclaim,
“Well snatched!”
or
“That was a terrific snatch!”.
It took me about two weeks to stop laughing every time I heard that.
The whole “game” is presented as if viewers have a tactic.
“Ooh! That was well snatched by Linda in Coventry who came up stealthily on the outside lane, elbowing out former champion, Sandra from Hastings out to the way, and weaving her way thought her opponents and with great skill plucked that moonstone pendant from the fat grasping hands of young pretender Elaine from Darlington to win the game. Well snatched!”
It’s like Quidditch! Only with velour tracksuited, shopping channel addicted, Barclaycard wielding, Hob Nob munching, bored housewives instead of novice wizards, on pistachio coloured leather armchairs in stead of broomsticks. How far am I going to take this? OK, I’ll stop now.
So have I actually snatched? Yes three times. What a rush! Not too bad, considering I could easily be the Mr T of Skid Row sitting in a cardboard box with all my bling on, and nothing else to my name. Hey, but I could stop any time I wanted, OK?
Anyway, got to go, “Bracelet Hour” starts in two minutes!
March 8, 2007. annoying advertisments television, gems, jewelry, lifestyle, shopping, women. Leave a comment.
No wonder Elvis shot at his telly!
No wonder Elvis shot at his telly, where’s my pistol?
Every now and then there’s an TV ad that drives you nuts. It was only a matter of time before I got round to blogging on this subject. I’ve gritted my teeth for long enough. Time to let go….
There are a few that are perennials:
The Davina McCall hairdye ones- .especially the ones where she’s the on the phone to her mum. Hang on, she’s always on the phone to her mum ranting about her “Shades of Cilla” hairdyes. Now, I’ve had some banal phone calls with my mum, but I’ve got nothing on Davina and her ma. Actually, I have had hairdye conversations with my mum, but they usually centre around my mum insinuating that my £90 professional highlighting job looks “brassy” and I’ve wasted my money. And have I thought about getting a shorter haircut more inkeeping with my age? Now, that’s what I want to hear, a real mother and daughter conversation. It could go like this,
Davina: “Hi Mum! I’ve just dyed my hair!”
Mrs McCall: “Oh for goodness sake, stop dying your hair, you natural colour’s so much nicer…why do you insist on tampering with it?”
Davina: “And were away for a romantic weekend break!”
Mrs McCall: “Are you? Where are the kids? Why aren’t they with you?”
Davina: “They’re with the in-laws”
Mrs McCall (coldly)”Oh. And why wasn’t I asked?”
Davina: “Never mind, I’m lolling about on shag pile loving my life”
Mrs McCall: “Well, alright for some, why don’t you try hoovering the shag pile for a change…”
Davina: “Maybe you should try my hairdye, it’ll get rid of those greys”
Mrs McCall: “When you’ve brought up a daughter that’s been nothing but a worry to you, what with a drug fuelled past, a frankly mediocre career and getting herself pregnant every five minutes then you can talk about greys. But until then, lady….”
And so on….
That’s the kind of realism I want injected into this situation….
Davina McCall; “I’ll dye my hair ginger for money”
The Andie McDowell ads for Loreal. These are mainly about a general disliking for Andie “Is it raining, I hadn’t noticed” McDowell. No1: She’s a crap actress, No2: She looks funny- I don’t want to buy products that make me look like her- she’s got annoyingness oozing out of every pore. Even her teeth bug me.
Here’s how I’d prefer those ads to go.
“Hi I’m Andie McDowell, you may have seen me ruin otherwise great films like ‘Short Cuts’, ’4 Weddings and a Funeral’, ‘Groundhog Day’ and ‘Sex Lies and Videotape’.” Then, as she goes to run the back of her hand over he wrinkleless cheek, she spontaneously implodes leaving only a small greasy stain as proof of her existence…
“Am I acting?…I hadn’t noticed…”
The Diet Coke advert with the women having the fake lift emergency so that the fit bloke will lower his perfect self into the lift and “rescue” them. Now, quite clearly we’re meant to believe that something a little more has gone on in this lift. What the hell!?- there’s four women in there. That’s just sick! It’s like the sort of covert video that’d get played at a sexual harassment hearing!And diet Coke tastes like fizzy Vegetable Oil!
The next one is a corker. Here’s the scene. Woman cant’ make up her mind about which outfit to wear. This scenario is an advertising staple, it’s been done so many times that it should be the case that any advertising executive pitching this scenario to a client should automatically fall through a trap door and slide down a chute leading directly to the Job Centre.
But what’s different about this ad is that the woman rejects perfectly acceptable outfits for a big white man’s shirt with a belt round it and nothing else. Off she goes with her man to the restaurant with her trousers missing, and frankly looking a bit like an escaped mental patient and , get this….he doesn’t bat and eyelid!!! Hang on a minute! Your wife has just lost her marbles and is in real danger of flashing her bare bottom to strangers and you’re not phoning the doctor…? Senseless- never fails to upset me. Me and my son shout “You’re mental!” every time this comes on. And it has a highly inappropriate Texas soundtrack, “Yooou make me feel, yeah yeah yeah..” (you know the one, it’s on every compilation CD marketed to women who don’t normally by CDs other than Dido and the Lighthouse Family). A simple adjustment to include Queen’s “I’m Going Slightly Mad” may improve matters….
My friend Jo once told me a story of the day at primary school where everyone looked out the window to see an old lady from the local nursing home running about the playground in only her tights. This ad reminds me of that story…
As classic as the four perennials are, there’s a new kid on the block, annoying advert wise, and I’m still not sure what to make of it. You don’t need to watch out for it, as you will be sitting on the sofa minding your own business and this abomination will drill annoyance straight into your brain with scientific precision. I’m talking about the new ad for chewing gum with the bloke that’s supposed to be an Afro Caribbean stand up comic. Oh God, I don’t think I’ve the energy to continue. So much about this upsets me. A list is needed:
He’s meant to be a stand up comic, yes? Why isn’t his routine funny? He’s clearly trying the old Seinfeld-esque observational-”it’s funny cos it’s true!” comedy style. He’s talking about how chewing gum hurts your jaw. Well, mate, that’s neither funny nor true and if this were the Gong Show, your time would definitely be up. You cannot make any claims to be a stand up comic, other than the very fact that you are indeed, standing up.
Next problem, and audience member offers him an alternative chewing gum. Anyone who has been at a stand up gig (particularly at the Edinburgh Fringe) will testify that a stand up this bad (notice no one in the audience is laughing?) is more likely to have a pint glass of warm urine hurled at him rather than a solution to his chuddy problem. Or at the very least some verbal abuse…
It gets worse. I don’t have any friends of Afro-Caribbean origin, but if I did I would want to know. Are you happy with this representation? The guy in question goes wide-eyed and starts screaming about a “Taste Sensayshunn in me mouth!” running about London like a crazed lunatic! It’s the kind of stereotypical representation of the “black man” that wouldn’t be out of place in 70s British sit coms. Am I being too sensitive? I want to know- am I way off line here?Does the actor playing this role sleep at night? Does he feel he’s not sold his soul to Satan? If you’re him and reading this please get in touch and explain yourself.
I am spearheading a campaign against all chewing gum as a result. This drives me mental. I can’t be alone in this!
Let me know the ads that irritate you- and if you have seen the chewing gum ad, tell me what you think.
Is it?:
Racist
Just annoying
Racist and annoying
Magic
I don’t watch telly, Gillian, and frankly I think you watch too much.Aaaaah, rant over. So therapeutic!
March 8, 2007. annoying advertisments television. Leave a comment.
