The back road is a nanosecond from the House of the Flying Martinis, and takes you straight into the Aberdeenshire Veldt. And before you think I’m being silly when I say veldt, don’t be so quick to scoff, as I am here to tell you that dangers lurk in the back road and everything I tell you here is the GODSHONESTTRUTH*

Raptor attack

There is a bird of prey that is terrorising those who innocently travel “the back road” like something out of One Million Years BC (also known as that film with Raquel Welch in the fur bikini, dads). From out of nowhere a quite sizable member of the hawk genus sweeps down and attacks people without provocation. With menace. And possibly a small flick-knife.

Now, I’ve never been attacked personally, but that’s because I reckon the Animal World in general know of my walking companion Sonny’s street fighting prowess, and wouldn’t dare rile him.

However, my most excellent friends and neighbours Dr Diane and her equally excellent beau, Dr Ben have been brutally attacked on several occasions whilst out running the four mile long “back road”. Dr Diane has had the pterodactyl sweep down on her and touch her head repeatedly with its pointy bits. It got so bad that she started taking a stick with her to brandish (ahh… if only video existed of this). Quite impressive given that most folk would have just never gone out of their house again and hid in a corner rocking like Eastenders’ own Arthur Fowler that Christmas he had a breakdown.

Dr Ben has been assailed on his bike but informs me that the bird was without a vehicle.

One for the Dads

Things got so bad, that the bird actually started targeting the two of them at home at their cottage which is half way round the road. The eagle had become like some twisted stalker waiting across the road in his car with leather gloves and dark glasses on. I’m imagining his voice was like Kiefer Sutherland’s for some reason. Although, we are relieved that he stopped short of making menacing phonecalls in the middle of the night.

Things came to a head one Sunday as the bird dived down on their garden during a barbecue, taking on her entire extended family. Needless to say, the festivities had to be abandoned.

Turns out that the Young Doctors weren’t the only ones that were on the bird’s hit list. A man was brutally attacked and first blood was drawn by the psychopathic feathered fiend. And here’s your actual video proof, which you can click if you need evidence. Click here ye of little faith!

In NE East Scotland there’s The Beast of Buchan (a cat in need of a decent PR agent, if ever I saw one) and the good folks of Elgin lay claim to having no end of an amount of panthers hanging about their back yards, making off with pet bunnies, whipping ladies washing off the line and doing giant animal turds on folks’ patios.

And now to add to the panther pantheon (do you like what I did there?) there’s the Beast of the Back Road (TM) as seen by my in-laws, who admittedly are no strangers to the services of their local Specsavers, but whose word I trust implicitly.

And here’s some further evidence that may have to be rolled out to prove that my in-laws are not ready for the sanatorium just yet. Click here you unbelievers!

Always on the look out for a new direction that allows me to dress up, I propose to buy safari suit and Landrover and start The Flying Martin Safaris.

Any takers?

*As is everything on these here Misssives even though most of you think that I’m off on one most of the time. **But click them anyway, the first one is a cracker.